Infertility Identity (When You're Not Expecting Part 4)

Me, Myself and Infertility

I am not my infertility and my infertility is not who I am.

I am not broken.

I am not ashamed.

I am not a victim.

I am not be defined by the fact that my body is cannot reproduce and I will not let that rule me.

I will not be held by my old mindsets that say that something is missing or wrong with me.

I will explore unconventional family building opportunities and follow God's leading.

I will not become captive to my own misgivings and self loathing.

I will love my husband even more because he loves me completely and doesn't find me lacking.

I will not compare myself to others.

I will encourage other women who are dealing with infertility.

I will encourage women who are dealing with raising children.

I will not obsess about my cycle.

I will continue to count the days.

I will not become defeated.

I will always be hopeful.

I am a child of Christ and I am in Him.

I am whole, complete, wonderfully made.

Love.

Written by a woman with silver eyes, freckles, and infertility. 

Infertility Identity (When You're Not Expecting Part 3)

Continued from here…

6. "I can't talk to anyone about this" results in isolation.

7. "It's not fair that she is pregnant" results in resentment.

8. "I would be a better mom" results in judgement and pride.

9. "I deserve a child" results in a false sense of entitlement.

10. "My life is incomplete without children" results in discontentedness.

6. Isolation. When I was younger I used to think of isolation as an island in the middle of the ocean. An incredibly small island like I drew with markers as a little kid. With a palm tree and coconuts right in the middle of a perfectly round beach surrounded by blue water. There was the occasional shark. As I grew older, isolation became something different. Isolation became a girl with dark hair sitting in a glass box in her public school cafeteria. She could see the world happening, and people could see her, but she lived in her glass box, unable to interact with anyone, keeping everyone where they couldn't hurt her. You see, I used the think that isolation just meant alone, but it means so much more. Alone means "having no one else present." It's deep. Isolation is defined as "to cause (a person or place) to be or remain alone or apart from others." Synonyms for alone include "by oneself, solo, single" while the list for isolation has words and phrases like "segregated, cut off, detached, shut away." There is a vast difference. Isolation is a willful act to bring aloneness upon yourself or someone else in the ugliest way possible. 

As women who struggle with infertility, we often find ourselves out of words. We are tired of telling people that we do want kids, adding the tried and true "someday, hopefully" or "if that's God's plan for us" with the awkward end-this-madness-now smile as you make for the nearest exit. I jokingly told my husband that if people keep asking me when we are going to have kids that I am going to tell them that we are having sex on average 3-5 times per week, ovulating right on schedule and hoping to conceive any day now! He said no. We can't openly talk about our struggles because…well…it always comes back to sex. "Have you tried this or that position?" "Er…I don't know what you are talking about…" and exit stage right. "Well are you having sex regularly?" "Umm…" RUN AWAY! I literally have had people asking me if I'm "sure I'm doing it right?" What? Yes. Pretty sure. Even close girlfriends don't seem to understand what you are going through right in front of them. They have "things" too, so your lack of offspring isn't as pressing to them as their lack of husband, lack of job, lack of means to pay off student loans, etc.

So is it hard to talk to people about infertility? Yes. Is it impossible? No. When we decide that our infertility is too personal or too embarrassing or too exhausting to share with anyone, then we close ourselves off from the world. We build our own glass boxes and the world passes us by at time lapse speeds while we sit, eating alone, and watching. It is imperative that we find someone to let into our glass box. We have to find a Bible study group, a support group, a friend, a counselor, someone.

7. Resentment. Ah, resentment. I don't think that there are any infertile women out there who have not dealt with resentment. We resent ourselves, we resent our bodies, we resent our doctors, our families, our genes, our upbringing, our dreams, some of us resent our husbands, and oh how easy it is to resent THEM. Those pregnant women. From the time we see their little ultrasound picture or pee stick selfie on Facebook through the months of belly profiles, morning sick posts, cancelled plans and weight gain all the way to delivery, first tooth, first word, first step, first grade, first communion, first love, we resent them. We love them, for the most part, (well we love the ones we care about. Random coworkers or old high school friends are resent-able without most of the guilt.) but we still struggle to squash the nagger inside of our hearts that says "It's not fair" and "Shut up about your *@#% ruined body/furniture/car/day!" Because we want it. All of it. 

There is no pill. No cure for a heart so hurt that it can feel all of the unfair cruelty of the world in the conception and birth of a little wonder being. No rationale for the dark thoughts and moods that we will fall into so easily. But the best defense is a good offense and we do have that. See, I believe that filling yourself with something positive won't leave room for the negativity. Challenge yourself to become an encourager. A babysitter. Become a helper to the woman that you would normally spend hours Facebook stalking and frowning at the parenting choices she is making. Make her dinner. Get to know her and her baby. Resentment is hard. It is unmalleable. It takes going into the hottest fire, the places that are the most likely to burn you, to melt that down into something else. Something that can be molded by your character and decisions into compassion, love, kindness, others focused. It hurts, but the longer you hold onto the resentment, the harder your heart will become. 

8. Pride. This is something I don't really talk about because it is one of my biggest struggles with my infertility, but my heart is changing and I wanted to include this, just in case there is someone else who struggles and would like a hand. In a world where we feel self conscious and our own purpose and self worth is called into question daily…by ourselves…for women in general, and specifically women with infertility, pride seems to be something that we should never have to worry about. How can we be full of self loathing and also struggle with pride? It happens, my friends, and it's way too easy. Any woman who wants a baby and doesn't have one has felt this: I would so be a better mom than her. We have all met the teenage moms, the workaholic moms, the single moms, the lazy moms and the whiny moms. The moms who say "I didn't even want to have children this soon" and "This was a total surprise, we aren't sure what we are going to do" and "I'm too old or too young to be raising a kid" and "I was on birth control and everything, but you know, it happens." No, not for me. It doesn't happen for me. And those women are undeserving. Undeserving because they didn't try hard enough. They didn't want bad enough. They didn't even have to hurt over years of uncertainty and grief over the life they hadn't carried. Those women are going to be terrible mothers. They are going to use cheap diapers, generic baby food, too much (or not enough) scheduling. They won't be the kind of mom's to sign up to be Room Mom or make the fancy cupcakes or know the best schools/preschools/church nurseries/grocery stores/parks in the area. They don't have what it takes, you know they don't. And you do. You, without a child, you know all of that. You know what sales the stores run on baby items and you are primed and ready to start stocking up. You have already bought a house in the right neighborhood (you know, with a cul-de-sac and a pool), perfect for raising a family. Your dog is hypoallergenic. Just in case. 

Do you see how easy it is? Easy to judge others? Easy to pride ourselves on our would-be accomplishments? But I have learned that I am wrong. Almost all the time. I have seen a teen mom push herself to finish college while going a darn good job of parenting the most amazing little girl. I have seen that the "workaholic mom" is really just trying to provide for her family and that she still manages to make time for the important things. I have seen numerous single moms who are running a household, being both parents, often to multiple children, and still showing up for every recital. No, they may not run things like you or I imagine that we will one day, but I had to realize that I would not be a better mother to their children because of it. I'm not the best person for the job, that mom is. She is doing a great job and I need to understand that my judgement is a result of my pride which often comes from the overall feeling that I have left at the end of the day: It's just not fair. But that has nothing to do with other moms and so we need to stop holding it against them when they get (sometimes so easily) what we so desperately want. 

9. Entitlement. This one goes hand in hand with pride, so I'm not going to spend a lot of time here, but I think it is an important little piece of my puzzle. Honestly, I do feel like I deserve a kid. I have put in my time working with kids, serving people, following all the rules and staying sexually pure. I deserve it. I have to fight this feeling  every day and I don't have a quick fix other than that I know that it doesn't make me feel better, it doesn't bring me closer to Christ and it doesn't make me pregnant, so it's really not something that I need to spend my time focusing on. So for me, as a Christian, it's a conscious effort to refocus onto what I deserve (hell) and what I have been given (life). Perspective is important. 

10. Discontentedness. 3-2-1 Penguins was a Big Idea production (the same folks who brought us Veggie Tales) in the early 2000's. One episode was about being discontent. I don't remember all of the details, but the theme was about not complaining about the things we don't have and the accompanying Scripture verse was Phil. 2:14 "Do everything without complaining or arguing…that you may shine like stars in the universe." The theme song had the lyrics "Don't be a seed if a seed is what you are. You need to be a bright and shining star!" That song has stuck with me over the years when I have really found myself becoming discontent or complaining. Do everything without complaining or arguing. Does that really include living with infertility? Am I really expected to live this way without complaining to anyone or arguing with God? I have spent a lot of time in Phil. 2 during the past year. Sometimes I am not sure how to play all of the roles in my life well and the words that Christ "emptied himself and took on the very nature of a servant" has encouraged and challenged me daily. (Recently I read that chapter in the light of infertility and I found that God had a lot to say to me, enough for another post, but I think maybe you should check it out yourself, if you feel led.) To answer my question, yes. I think it does mean that I should strive to live without complaining and without becoming a seed of discontent, wearing down those around me and filling with resentment and selfishness when the discontentedness drains me and leaves me empty. Instead, I should put my focus on other things and find fulfillment there. Ultimately I should be fulfilled in Christ, and then in serving my husband, friends, church and community, in encouraging others, in my work. I should begin to find that my life, my family, and my heart is and can be complete with or without children. Only when I accept this, not as giving up or as failure or a plan B, but as Truth, can I be free from the discontent and emptiness of my childlessness. 

Love.

Infertility Identity (When You're Not Expecting: Part 2)

So two of my Bible study buddies have had beautiful baby girls and another has found out she is expecting in the last 10 days! I am so truly happy for them, even with the pangs of longing, I have been taught so much about rejoicing with those who rejoice through my own experiences of mourning and having friends and family (and total strangers) mourn with me. As always, I struggle with my own feelings, but I am learning to replace the selfish desire with selfless love, and am able to live more fully because of that.

There are a lot of things out there that become "us." Not a part of who we are, but our everything. Our obsession, our knowledge base, our time, our private thoughts, our public outbursts on social media or blog, our conversations: our identity. Sometimes these identities are negative feelings (bitterness, anger, the feeling that life is unfair), sometimes they are just interests, or passions, blown into extreme proportions (healthy eating, fitness, parenting, work, good food or wine, Dr. Who), sometimes we become our cause (missions, politics, adoption, marriage, affordable health care) and sometimes we become our emptiness (infertility.) I personally believe that we are to be imitators of Christ and that our identity should be nothing more and nothing less than the redemption at the cross. I believe that idolatry is most simply defined as anything that we allow to become our identity that is not the cross. But, that is a different blog for a different time. For now I want to talk about what happens when infertility becomes who we are, what we are about and why we are living. That's not healthy.

That's a problem. It's a problem that a lot of women who struggle with infertility have. Because infertility touches so many levels and emotions, and centers around the one thing that most women (fertile or not) desire, a child, it is easy to allow infertility to become the center of our world. Here's why that's not a good idea:

1. "My infertility is something that I am ashamed of, therefore my identity is shame."
2. "I cannot fill this emptiness inside of me, therefore my identity is less than I should be."
3. "I feel that my infertility is unfair, therefore I am bitter."
4. "My infertility defines who I am, therefore I am nothing."
5. "No one understands my infertility therefore I am alone."
6. "I can't talk to anyone about this" results in isolation.
7. "It's not fair that she is pregnant" results in resentment.
8. "I would be a better mom" results in judgement and pride.
9. "I deserve a child" results in a false sense of entitlement.
10. "My life is incomplete without children" results in discontentedness.

As you allow your infertility to define you or to become your identity, these are the things that become your reality, and none of these things are good. Let's start with the first 5.

1. Your infertility is nothing you should be ashamed of. The inability to conceive is not something that you have control over. It is not a curse. It is not a punishment for some sin, even sexual sin. Some of you may be living with the natural consequences of a sexually immoral lifestyle (disease, scarring, treatment side effect), but that does not mean that God is punishing you, or that you should be ashamed. Do not become your shame.

2. You are everything that you are. If you are in Christ, you are a new creation in Him and you are being sanctified daily. You are justified before God through the saving work of Jesus and that MUST be enough for you. Because you aren't pregnant does not make you less of a person, less of a woman or less of child of God. Aside from that, you have so many things to offer. Some of you are musical, some of you are wonderful teachers, some of you are communicators, some of you are writers, artists, dancers, motivators, managers, the list goes on. Find a way to plug into your church or community and fill your emptiness with acts of service. See value in the things that you CAN bring to the table and enjoy the opportunity to do so.

3. Bitterness is such a dangerous thing. It is a seed that, like a tree, develops deep roots before it really even shows up in your active life or appearance, and by then, it is so hard to uproot. Beware of growing bitterness if you struggle with infertility, or if you are struggling with anything. It is so easy to think "This or that is unfair," and before you know it, "this or that" has become a deep hurt, a wound so messy and covered by such a thick layer of anger, resentment, frustration and unforgiveness that it can take a lifetime to recover from. Your infertility may not seem fair. Mine doesn't. But I am not the creator of life, and I have to believe that a God who created me and knows me has a reason for not choosing me to physically conceive and give birth to a child, at least not for now. Find rest in the love of the One who created you and take your hurt and anger to Him, don't let it grow inside of you forever.

4. "All I want is a family." "My life has centered around building a life for my family." "My heart and passion is to have a big family." All things are things that I have heard, or read, from infertile young women. All things that I have felt and said to friends, family members, and my sweet husband. Take away the "family" and you are left with "All I want is *nothing*," "My life has centered around building a life for *nothing*," and "My heart and passion is *nothing*." When our dreams and plans and passions circle around raising children, and we are left with an empty womb, we find ourselves with nothing. It is a place that every infertile woman I have spoken with has been. The thing is, you can't stay there. You can't continue to let nothingness define your life. You are more than the plans that you made that haven't come to fruition, and you have to become that "more." Find new passions, serve, share your love with foster children, needy women in your church (you know the ones) and the elderly. Build a life with your husband. This was something crucial for me to be able to move out of my nothingness: my husband and I are a family. We can work and live and love and serve together and have a wonderful life, as a family. I could be happy and find joy and fulfillment, but I had to let go of "nothing" and become a part of something else.

5. You aren't alone. First of all, you have a friend who sticks closer than a brother, and he didn't have children either. Cast all of your cares onto Christ, because he care for you. He cares for you truly and deeply. When you feel alone, run to Him. Secondly, there are hundreds of online blogs, forums and chat groups of women who are in your shoes. There are 6.7 million women between the ages of 15-44 with some level of infertility. There 1.5 million married women who are officially infertile (12 consecutive months of unprotected sex with hubs without conceiving). Just because your closest friends may not be struggling with this doesn't mean that A) no one else is, or B) that they aren't struggling with something else. People with infertility do not have the only claim to struggles, loss or hardships. Realizing that other people go through things equally as difficult as infertility is important to moving outside of yourself and staying a part of the human race. Be a friend, reach out, share your sadness, ask for prayer and be there for others. Do not fall prey to the lie "You are alone." Create a world with people in it and interact with them!

None of these identities are healthy. They aren't Christlike and they won't result in positive thinking or living. Take your thoughts and attitudes captive and turn the sad train around. You have to play an active role in who you are, if you just "let it happen," you will be lonely, bitter, nothing, empty and ashamed, I guarantee it.

Stay tuned for points 6-10 coming soon to a blog near you!

Love.

Why We Should Ask "Have You Ever Considered Adopting?"

Note: To preface this post, I want to acknowledge that there are situations that prevent couples from adopting and that door is not open to them. Please do not hear me saying that anyone who doesn't chose adoption is an idiot or going to burn in hell. I merely want to make a case for adoption :-)

In a previous post, I wrote about questions and comments that women dealing with infertility frequently deal with, and complain about. In this post, I am elaborating on this one:

"Don't ask me if I have considered, or even bring up adoptions."

I am going to quote another blogger. I have no idea what this woman's story is and I do not judge her decisions in any way. I am using this as an example and I do think she comes off a little harsh, but I mostly stole her words because she said what I hear all the time, only better. In what she calls number 7 "Everyone's perfect solution" City Wife, Country Life blogger writes 

" 'What you say: “Why don’t you just adopt?"

What I hear: dagger plunge, twist, thrust, rip heart out, leave her there to bleed to death.

“Why don’t you just adopt?” Oh, that the answer to all of life’s most crushing pains could be so easily answered by such a simple solution.

“It’s never going to happen for you. Why don’t you just give up all of this nonsense of conceiving a child in the life-giving love of your marriage, growing bone of your bone and flesh of your flesh within your womb for nine months, sacrificing your body while giving birth, nourishing your child with her mother’s milk, bearing a child with your husband’s radiant eyes and sheepish smile… you’ll still have a kid and will be helping someone else out, too!” "

She goes on to make the points "Adoption is a calling, it's not a fall back plan when all other methods fail,"and "Adoption doesn't cure infertility, it eliminates childlessness."

I agree (strongly) with both points, but the intro to the #7 burns me up. Adoption IS a calling, but caring for orphans is defined as "pure and undefiled religion," so I'm pretty sure that counts. And no, adoption does not make you fertile, but it does make you a Mommy. And really, you are so set in your own ways that you would rather be experience a life of childlessness than to consider something as amazing as adoption? I am so tired of hearing this from women who cannot have children and who say things like "I guess I will learn to be content with an empty nest" and "I feel called to motherhood, so why hasn't God given me a child?" and "I trust God with the size of my family, so maybe I will only have a few children, or one, or none."

As I have written before (here) I have very strong views on marriage, not legal, gov't recognized matrimony, but the marriage relationship between a husband and wife because it is important to God. How do I know this? He used marriage to give us a picture of Christ's working relationship with the church. He could have used anything, but the connection, the commitment, the intimacy, the oneness of marriage is what He chose to use. I have the same strong conviction regarding adoption because God uses adoption to illustrate his relationship with us. He doesn't use pregnancy and birth. He uses adoption and it is important to him. When people tell me that they feel called to parent but not to adopt, I wonder what it is that draws this line for them. 

The fact that adoption brings on such a physical response for some people (daggers, twisting, hearts, blood) (um, also, ew gross) means there is a heart issue here. No one is saying give up on trying to conceive. People seem to assume that adoption is a sort of inferior way to have a child. It's second rate, it's more difficult, it's not really what they wanted in the first place. People have this glorified view of conceiving, carrying and birthing a child that looks like them that makes them more of a mother than if they were to bring the product of someone else's DNA into their lives. This is ridiculous. 

Let me tell you something. When you have an adopted child and a biological child, you will not love them differently. Yes, one came from your womb and one came to you in a hospital or a foreign country or a CPS office. One has your eyes and one looks nothing like you. But here is what they have in common. 

Both came from uncertainty. Struggling-to-get-pregnants seem to have this idea that adopting a child is full of fears from paperwork to birth mothers changing their minds and painful separations. They seem to forget that pregnancy brings uncertainties. When I went with my mom to her ultrasounds I remember her holding her breath, waiting to hear that heartbeat. Babies are born prematurely, with birth defects and sometimes a mother will be painfully separated from a child she has carried and delivered. Choosing not to adopt does not protect you from heartbreak and loss. 

Both are expensive. If I hear about the expense of adoption being a reason to not adopt again, I'm going to scream. There are organizations out there that run solely to provide grants and funding for adopting parents who can't come up with the cash on hand. Look into that before you write it off as an excuse. And a baby delivery? You could be looking at $15,000 if you don't have health insurance, and that is for an uncomplicated vaginal delivery. If you have to have newborn in the NICU for even a few days, that price goes up up up. Yes, you could say "I'm doing a home birth," but you still need a coach, midwife or doula and what if there is an emergency? You can't guarantee that it's not going to cost you.  And if your income isn't stable enough to pass a home study, how are you planning on paying for all of the fertility treatments and appointments you are looking at, much less actually raising a baby? 

Both look at you and see their mommy. They see the woman who feeds and clothes and bathes them. They see the hands that they reach for when they learn to walk and that they hold when they pray before bed. They see the eyes that they will find comfort  in from booboos to first heartbreaks. It doesn't matter to them that they may not have your nose, they have your heart. You may share things with your adopted child that you don't with a biological child, things like music or art or a weird love of peanut butter and chocolate. 

Your biological child will not remember being in your womb. They will not remember you breast feeding them or bringing them home from the hospital. They will have a subconscious bond with you because of the love you share and that is what will be the foundation of your relationship with them. It works the same way with an adopted child, you bond with them and they will love you and you will love them, because you are their mom. 

I am white with henna-red hair and gray eyes. My sister Emmabeth is blonde with golden-brown eyes. AJ is chocolate with almost black eyes and kinky hair. Min is tan with almond shaped eyes and long, black hair. Gigi is almost black and has huge brown eyes and a TWA (teeny, weeny afro.) Hopie is tan with almond eyes and light brown hair. They are all my sisters, they always have been and they always will be because that is who they are.

Adopting is not second rate.

And it's not just for the childless as a last resort, it's open to anyone.

And asking couples "Have you considered adoption?" is something that the church really should be doing more of, not backing down from. Churches should be assisting, financially, emotionally, whatever the couple needs. Churches should be asking the hard questions, do not ask them to stop.

And to those struggling with infertility, here's the truth. You should consider adoption. You should consider opening up your heart and your life to a child that will love you unconditionally and will teach you exactly how God loves you, all before their third birthday. Because life is a gift, and children are a gift, and love is a gift, whether you conceived it, or not.

Love.

4 Things You Should Leave To Your Children

The end is coming.

For all of us. At some point, we will all be gone. Our lives will change, they will run their course and then they will end. Be prepared for the end. This post goes out for all parents out there with a few things I think you should leave for your children. In the last months of Dad's life, we made many visits with lawyers, accountants, etc to prepare for after he was gone. What I didn't realize at the time, was that he had been preparing for his departure for my whole life, even if he didn't know it. In my eyes, the eyes of a child who has lost her parent, these are the most important preparations that he made and the greatest things he left to me.

1. Leave your children with an identity. As babies and children, we are like tiny little sponges. We absorb everything around us, we just take it all in. When we hit our teen and adult years, we get squeezed and all of the stuff that we have absorbed comes out. That stuff becomes who we are. We are trying to figure out who we are, who we will be, how we will live in this world, big questions! Moms and Dads, help us figure it out. Don't question our passions, help us develop them into healthy and productive lifestyles and we will grow up believing that we have gifts and talents, something to contribute to society. Praise us for trying new things, for being brave, and for following through, and we will learn to love adventure and to step out into the great unknown, which is basically the rest of our lives, not with fear, but with determination and excitement.  Let us fail. It will make us stronger and we will learn from it. Forgive us. It will teach us to trust that people make mistakes, but that people can be forgiving, and that we should forgive others. Help us discover who we are, what we love and what we will stand for and be about, (even if it is different from who you are.)

2. Leave them with memories. Life isn't about humans coexisting and excelling and moving on to the next thing. Life is about people sharing experiences, being involved in life, giving of yourself and impacting others. Make sure that in the midst of raising perfectly well-behaved children to function in modern society that you spend plenty of time creating memories. Some ideas? Take a spontaneous day trip, make a movie with action figures and the video camera (or a cell phone), spend the day driving or biking around town and document your trip, read together at night. Celebrate birthdays, anniversaries and holidays with traditions and be intentional about showing your family that time spent together is worth the time it takes.

3. Leave them with security. This doesn't necessarily mean to leave them with a lot of money (though, life insurance = good idea, no matter how old you are). It means teach them about money. Teach them to manage their finances, specifically how to budget and save. Let them see you handling bills and making payments, balancing a check book and making large purchases (like a house, or a car) when they are kids. Take them to the bank to open an account and help them become familiar with money orders, credit cards vs debit cards, how to avoid a negative balance, and the idea of debt free living. BUT in order to manage money, you have to make money. The best security you can leave your kids is the ability to provide for themselves. Make them work while they are living under your roof. Get their butts to the mall, movie theater, grocery store or restaurant and encourage them to work hard. If they do additional jobs at home, compensate them. Teach them that their hard work will result in compensation, just like slacking off or living off of YOUR hard work will result in empty pockets. As a side note, if they have the opportunity to intern or apprentice in a skill that they see a future in, let them do that, even if it doesn't pay. It is investing in their future with experience, and resume!

4. Leave them with a piece of you. Be involved in the lives of those you love, especially your family and children. When you are gone, they will remember you, or they will have truly lost you. Things you say often, your favorite foods, the fact that you cry during the Alamo movie with John Wayne...every time..., these are things that we hold onto. It is up to you to be transparent enough with your children that they will have pieces of you when you aren't with them anymore. My Dad always used to say "That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard" whenever we said anything ridiculous and usually self deprecating. and I will never forget that. He also loved Mary Poppins and saw Star Wars (every episode) on opening night. He cried when he talked about Patrick Henry or Davy Crockett and he shot skeet sitting down in a lawn chair while he pulled for himself. He never said a bad word, and I only heard him say "butt" three times...in my whole life... Be yourself to your family and let them see you cry. Let them see you laugh, let them see you stumble and let them see you repent. Let them see who you are, warts and all, because they will love you, warts and all, long after you have left them. And that is the greatest thing that you can leave behind for your kids. 

Love.

What To Expect When You're Not Expecting (Part 1)

I sat in the dentist's office waiting room with my little sibs. Mothers looked up at their young children over the top of the complimentary "Family Fun" and "O" magazines. Babies toddled around and played with the germy little toys, you know the ones, the beads on the curly tracks and the semi-inflatable squishy books. Tarzan was playing on the TV. I was filling out 7 sets of paperwork for the 7 sets of teeth with 7 sets of new insurance information, but it was hard to focus. Yes, I was there with 7 children (plus a crabby teen), but all I could think about was the other babies in the room and my heart hurt because none of them were mine.

I went to Bible study and I sat between two growing bellies. Baby girls, both due in January. My stomach region ached, and I am pretty sure my uterus curled up into a little embarrassed ball in it's currently useless state. 

These are pretty normal feelings for me. The hubs and I have been trying to conceive for our entire marriage, so 4 years and 5 months and, as of yet, there has been no bun in this oven. I have wanted children my entire life, as long as I can remember, all of my dreams and goals and ambitions all involved, nay centered around, raising a family of rambunctious offspring. I have read parenting books and babysat and worked in the nurseries for over 10 years and I'm pretty much an expert. I would give me a baby. Seriously. 

For those who are not familiar with infertility, it means that, as a couple, the hubs and I are unable to conceive at this time. We have not been through the elaborate rigmarole of expensive and invasive tests to find out where the problem lies and all preliminary exams show that everything is good to go, and yet, here we are. Regular sex, no baby, after 12 months I am declared infertile. 

So I stay away from pregnant women, walk misty-eyed through the baby aisles in department stores and stare rudely, and probably disconcertingly, at babies. Especially fat babies. Who doesn't love a good, fat baby? Me and my incompetent baby making set cringe every time we hear of another story about a knocked up teen or a couple who didn't want any children getting a "surprise." We hide our head in shame and embarrassment every time we walk, we walk alone, strollerless. I feel a little less of a woman when I listen to the motherhood stories, everything from diapers to having "the talk," things that I feel like I should be doing...but am not good enough to do. Mother's Day is little like National Cake Day to a fat kid on a diet: usually I can handle the craving, but it's an entire day dedicated to celebrating something that I can't have.

So here's my blog post about how I want to be treated as a woman struggling with the inability to conceive.

Wait, no. I read that somewhere else. There are plenty of those out there. I wanted to do something a little different. I apologize for the jumping jumble, but bear with me. Or don't. Your call!

This is my letter to mom's-not-to-be about their ideas of handling infertility. I have seen "rules" on 4-5 blogs in just the last month and I thought it was time to highlight a few of my own. You see, I am not writing this blog to admonish you mothers and well meaning older ladies. I am hoping to share a different perspective from what I see all around me. Most childless women are asking (demanding) that they be treated differently and more considerately than a mother who has conceived. I think some light needs to be shed on the subject. I am writing from a place of honesty and not hurt and hope to bring about some clarity for both sides. Let me 'splain. (Cue Ricky Ricardo "Lucy! You got some 'splainin' to do!"

Things infertile women blog and/or say (but mostly blog, because a lot of these things seem rude to say in person, but blogging is ok):

1. "Don't ask me if I'm pregnant."

Ok, I can understand this. Especially for women who are trying to conceive and are struggling with weight gain due to hormones, meds and stress. It is kind of rude to ask. Someone asked my Mom is she was preggo about 4 months after Emmabeth was born. I think she punched the young, blonde, recently engaged visitor right there in the church atrium, and she wasn't infertile. So yes, across the board, don't ask if someone is (or could be) pregnant, unless you know something they don't and are a medical professional. Ladies who are "Infertile Myrtles," show grace when someone asks you this question. Don't snap. Don't grumble. Don't berate. It's ok to cry, it's ok to show the sadness that you carry with you every second of every day. It's not elderly Widow Peabody or gossibly Lilly-May's fault that you aren't pregnant, don't take it out on them. Answer with as much or as little information as you feel comfortable with. "No, I'm not expecting. Not yet, anyways. You can pray about that if you think about it."

 2. "Never invite me host or attend baby showers."

As I wrote above, being babyless hurts. I feel your pain. But here's the deal. Unless you are broadcasting that you can't conceive, everyone doesn't know. And if they do, why would they isolate you from functions involving babies? You will find yourself more and more alone because people don't know how to handle it. You are asking them to draw the line for you instead of making the decision to go or not go yourself. Here's the deal. The truth is hard. Babies are a gift from God. Not your babies, but all babies and it is your responsibility to encourage and build up your sisters in your church and community and for many of them, they are breaking into a huge new part of their lives and really could use all of the support and encouragement they can get! Step up, don't back out. Celebrate the gift of God and rejoice with those who rejoice.

3. "If you have children, don't even try to give me encouragement or advice. You don't understand."

Come off it! Being infertile is a burden. It is a trial. It is heartache. Do you honestly think that no one the world has experienced any of those things? Maybe someone can't speak directly to your personal issues, but they can encourage and challenge the heart! My mom has never been infertile, but she has buried her mother, her infant daughter and her husband. Can she not speak to an infertile woman about grief and longing? Get your head out of your reproductive organs and step down off of that pity platform. I think that infertility makes us feel less, or that other people view us as less, and so our default state is defense and isolation. "No one understands my pain, so don't bother trying." That is not how Christians are meant to operate. Your brothers and sisters are supposed to try and understand your pain and bear it with you in prayer and in fellowship and in coffee! Your pastors and friends should have the freedom to call you out on bitterness and discontentedness and depression. They should be able to encourage you in the dark days to turn your eyes upon Jesus. Let them do their job and stop behaving like a spoiled rotten teen with a complex. More often than not, I think our issue with Christian intervention is that we don't want to turn to God, because he made us like this and we are mad at him. It turns into a spiritual hostage situation: "I won't be a contributing member of my church and/or family and I certainly won't be praising your name until you make me a baby. Those are my terms, Heavenly Father, take them or leave them."

4. "Don't complain about your pregnancy and/or kids to me. I would cut off my right arm for a chance at being pooped on in my church clothes."

This one has two parts. Bear with me. First of all, I would cut off my right arm to have back pain, spit up, bikes in my driveway, stained carpet, crying preteen girls and macho teen boys who pull away. Dear mommy's, there are people in your life who would give anything to experience your Facebook statuses. We may stalk them because we can't look away, or you may find your updates blocked or hidden. As a no-bun kind of oven, I can't possibly understand the pain, fear, anxiety and heartbreak that you will go through raising your child. But I also can't understand the immense love that you share with the baby that grew inside of you and came into your life. And I know, in your heart of hearts, even in the worst moments, you know that that love and that bond are worth everything. And guess what, we know it too, so when we hear about or read about your swollen feet or tight bank account, all we feel is the missing bond. This flows right into my part 2. I am not going to ask you to not talk about the uncomfortable parts of parenting. Complaining and whining in general are not Christ-like or life enhancing qualities, but that's another conversation. Onward. Say I buy a car and it is a fine car, but then it starts having transmission trouble, so I have to spend $5,000 to replace it. Then it needs new tires, so $250. And we take a long road trip and the seats are not very comfortable across 900 miles and my back starts to spasm. So this is something I am going through, it's like the worst car luck in the world! (Side note, this is actually my life right now, except that our ignition is also broken and we start our car with a screw driver.) I'm telling you about this experience because it is what is going on in my life and I could use some encouragement or at least acknowledgement "oh man, that sucks!" I'm not trying to rub the fact that I own a car in your face or behave ungratefully. To all of us who are missing the children we may never hold, our mommy friends love their children. They know that at the end of the day, they would also give their right arm to experience all of the crappy things they have put up with that day if that's what it would take to raise their children. They post about ruined walls and waistlines and saggy boob memes because it is what is going on in their lives, not because they don't value their children or because they don't know what you are going through. It has nothing to do with you. You may post about the poor service at the restaurant you ate dinner at and you know what they think? "Well at least you get to go to dinner! I haven't left this house in 8 months wearing anything except for my yoga pants and a sweatshirt." And then you say "I would give up dinner forever to have a baby." And at the end of the day, no a night out is not a baby, but we all have different things. Things we are going through, working through, growing through. Mommy's, when you post about your kids, be considerate when you post, but if those struggling with infertility make you feel restricted or uncomfortable, then shame on us. That's our problem, not yours.

5. "Don't ask me if I have considered, or even bring up adoptions."

This one...this one just irritates the fire out of me. More about adopting here, but suffice it to say that this is just a crappy attitude. Why not? Why don't you want people to encourage you in something that you want (to grow you family by having a child) and in something that is close to God's heart, and therefore should be close to your's?

I have very strong views on marriage, not legal, gov't recognized matrimony, but the marriage relationship between a husband and wife because it is important to God. How do I know this? He used marriage to give us a picture of Christ's working relationship with the church. He could have used anything, but the connection, the commitment, the intimacy, the oneness of marriage is what He chose to use. I have the same strong conviction regarding adoption because God uses adoption to illustrate his relationship with us. He doesn't use pregnancy and birth. He uses adoption and it is important to him. When people tell me that they feel called to parent but not to adopt, I wonder what it is that draws this line for them. 

6. "Dogs are not kids."

This is hilarious. I am guilty of saying this and I honestly have to laugh. "Ask Your Dad" blogger writes his own list that I wholeheartedly approve of. He says that "Unless "so and so" needs professional help, I guarantee "so and so" knows that her dog is not a human child. She also knows that having a dog is nothing like having a kid. What she's really saying is "Oh! Yes. I also have something in my life that poops AND brings me joy." It's true. I have two dogs, they poop and bring me joy. And no, they are not kids, but hey, all we really want is RELATABILITY!

Love one another, encourage each other, spur one another on to good works. Don't waste the time you have been given to live childless. There is a time for everything, and just because it's not time for you to be a mommy, it doesn't mean that it is time to become a nagging, jealous, selfish woman, obsessing over temperatures, cycles and when to "do it," and judging everyone else's right to conceive. Be patient with insensitive folks, they probably mean well. Don't become your infertility. Live your life, and keep hope in your heart. 

Love. 

Bible Study...And Why It's the Worst!

So it's Thursday. I love today. Why? Because Once Upon A Time in WONDERLAND premiers AND it's Project Runway night. Not my favorite season, FYI, they should NOT have sent Kate home!

But. Here I am, literally writing a blog post because I would rather do anything than prepare for Bible study. I have not picked up my Bible in over a week (well technically I think my actual Bible is in storage so it's been way longer, so I use my phone, but you get the point) because it made me think of Bible Study. Our church recently began a women's weekly Bible Study where the ladies were divided into smaller groups and meet with those groups weekly to work though the same book. I was, naturally, assigned to the young ladies group. Yep, young married ladies. I have only made it to one meeting...ahem...tonight is week 4. In my defense I have had rehearsal (more on that later) the past two weeks, so while I wasn't exactly disappointed that I missed Bible study, I wasn't trying to avoid it!

So what is wrong with my Bible study, you ask?

The ladies are horrible? Judgey? Shallow? Nope. They all seem pretty lovely. Most of them (all except for two of us) are young mothers or mothers-to-be. Yeah, that part is hard, but more on that later!

So what is it? The curriculum is crap? No. I think it is actually a good study, though maybe a little bit basic, it is a foundational book. Worth reading, in my opinion. "Gospel Identity"

The drive? It's like, 15 minutes away.

The leaders? Adorable and Godly women who have walked the married lady road for longer than I have!

NO SNACKS? Wrong again. Excellent munchies.

So here are my top 5 reasons that I am avoiding Bible Study like the plague:

1. I am tired. It's legit. I'm not "I need a nap, I'm so tired from blah blah blah" tired. I'm "I need the Cat in the Hat to come and take care of the kids and clean the house and run my business and then maybe I will have the time/desire/energy for any type of social life" kind of tired. Talking to people and listening to their questions, concerns and complaints is what I do for a living and what I do in my free time. I have no desire to cultivate new friendships with people who, while very charming, are in such a different place in their lives than I am, that if we got beyond the basics, I am fairly certain we would need an interpreter.

2. I can't relate and that makes me uncomfortable. Anyone else? Anybody else out there a weirdo? Not like a rock lover or a vegetarian, but a broadway music fangirl who owns their own business or has a strained marriage. Does anyone share MY weirdness? Reality CHECK fangirl! Everyone is weird. And we all want to find people to share our weirdness so that we can have this magical connection called "relatability" or, in the dating world "compatibility." What does that mean? (By the way, yes I know I am typing approximately 4-5 question marks for every period. Oh well.) It means we desire to be affirmed by meeting other people who share our interests, hobbies, lifestyle choices, stage in life, experiences, etc and the more personal or more quirky the connection, the deeper and more compatible your friendship has the potential to become. No, I don't want to meet 100 me's. But honestly, I just don't see the point in wasting precious energy struggling to find that magical relatability with anyone in Bible study. No one is like me, so no one is worth giving a chance.

3. I hate wearing pants. I feel like that is a "'nuff said" kind of reason, but to elaborate, in case you are misunderstanding, I hate wearing pants. Literally. I hate jeans, leggings, dress and casual pants. I will tolerate a sweat pant or my Transformers pajama pants if necessary, but wearing actual clothes is just...well...grrrrrr. Also, allow me to clarify that I am not "too sexy for my...pants" by any means and the world would not want to see me pants less.

4. I think I'm still a little confused since Dad died. I know what I believe, but I am trying to move on and it's a little intimate to be squished into an hour session once a week between feedings and bedtimes for the mommy's.

5. I don't have a 5th reason. And even if I did, I don't have time to write it. Why, you may ask? Because it's 5:00 and I am going to be late. I have just enough time to go take off my Transformers pjs and put on big girl pants. I'm going to take a pen and my phone-Bible and I am going to drive to Bible study. I am going to read the Word and I am going to pray with and for the ladies in my group.

But I just said...

Yeah. I explained all of my reasons and to conclude, I am going to my Thursday night Bible study because Bible study is only the worst when it becomes bIble study. Did you see what I did there?

Love.