Why We Should Ask "Have You Ever Considered Adopting?"

Note: To preface this post, I want to acknowledge that there are situations that prevent couples from adopting and that door is not open to them. Please do not hear me saying that anyone who doesn't chose adoption is an idiot or going to burn in hell. I merely want to make a case for adoption :-)

In a previous post, I wrote about questions and comments that women dealing with infertility frequently deal with, and complain about. In this post, I am elaborating on this one:

"Don't ask me if I have considered, or even bring up adoptions."

I am going to quote another blogger. I have no idea what this woman's story is and I do not judge her decisions in any way. I am using this as an example and I do think she comes off a little harsh, but I mostly stole her words because she said what I hear all the time, only better. In what she calls number 7 "Everyone's perfect solution" City Wife, Country Life blogger writes 

" 'What you say: “Why don’t you just adopt?"

What I hear: dagger plunge, twist, thrust, rip heart out, leave her there to bleed to death.

“Why don’t you just adopt?” Oh, that the answer to all of life’s most crushing pains could be so easily answered by such a simple solution.

“It’s never going to happen for you. Why don’t you just give up all of this nonsense of conceiving a child in the life-giving love of your marriage, growing bone of your bone and flesh of your flesh within your womb for nine months, sacrificing your body while giving birth, nourishing your child with her mother’s milk, bearing a child with your husband’s radiant eyes and sheepish smile… you’ll still have a kid and will be helping someone else out, too!” "

She goes on to make the points "Adoption is a calling, it's not a fall back plan when all other methods fail,"and "Adoption doesn't cure infertility, it eliminates childlessness."

I agree (strongly) with both points, but the intro to the #7 burns me up. Adoption IS a calling, but caring for orphans is defined as "pure and undefiled religion," so I'm pretty sure that counts. And no, adoption does not make you fertile, but it does make you a Mommy. And really, you are so set in your own ways that you would rather be experience a life of childlessness than to consider something as amazing as adoption? I am so tired of hearing this from women who cannot have children and who say things like "I guess I will learn to be content with an empty nest" and "I feel called to motherhood, so why hasn't God given me a child?" and "I trust God with the size of my family, so maybe I will only have a few children, or one, or none."

As I have written before (here) I have very strong views on marriage, not legal, gov't recognized matrimony, but the marriage relationship between a husband and wife because it is important to God. How do I know this? He used marriage to give us a picture of Christ's working relationship with the church. He could have used anything, but the connection, the commitment, the intimacy, the oneness of marriage is what He chose to use. I have the same strong conviction regarding adoption because God uses adoption to illustrate his relationship with us. He doesn't use pregnancy and birth. He uses adoption and it is important to him. When people tell me that they feel called to parent but not to adopt, I wonder what it is that draws this line for them. 

The fact that adoption brings on such a physical response for some people (daggers, twisting, hearts, blood) (um, also, ew gross) means there is a heart issue here. No one is saying give up on trying to conceive. People seem to assume that adoption is a sort of inferior way to have a child. It's second rate, it's more difficult, it's not really what they wanted in the first place. People have this glorified view of conceiving, carrying and birthing a child that looks like them that makes them more of a mother than if they were to bring the product of someone else's DNA into their lives. This is ridiculous. 

Let me tell you something. When you have an adopted child and a biological child, you will not love them differently. Yes, one came from your womb and one came to you in a hospital or a foreign country or a CPS office. One has your eyes and one looks nothing like you. But here is what they have in common. 

Both came from uncertainty. Struggling-to-get-pregnants seem to have this idea that adopting a child is full of fears from paperwork to birth mothers changing their minds and painful separations. They seem to forget that pregnancy brings uncertainties. When I went with my mom to her ultrasounds I remember her holding her breath, waiting to hear that heartbeat. Babies are born prematurely, with birth defects and sometimes a mother will be painfully separated from a child she has carried and delivered. Choosing not to adopt does not protect you from heartbreak and loss. 

Both are expensive. If I hear about the expense of adoption being a reason to not adopt again, I'm going to scream. There are organizations out there that run solely to provide grants and funding for adopting parents who can't come up with the cash on hand. Look into that before you write it off as an excuse. And a baby delivery? You could be looking at $15,000 if you don't have health insurance, and that is for an uncomplicated vaginal delivery. If you have to have newborn in the NICU for even a few days, that price goes up up up. Yes, you could say "I'm doing a home birth," but you still need a coach, midwife or doula and what if there is an emergency? You can't guarantee that it's not going to cost you.  And if your income isn't stable enough to pass a home study, how are you planning on paying for all of the fertility treatments and appointments you are looking at, much less actually raising a baby? 

Both look at you and see their mommy. They see the woman who feeds and clothes and bathes them. They see the hands that they reach for when they learn to walk and that they hold when they pray before bed. They see the eyes that they will find comfort  in from booboos to first heartbreaks. It doesn't matter to them that they may not have your nose, they have your heart. You may share things with your adopted child that you don't with a biological child, things like music or art or a weird love of peanut butter and chocolate. 

Your biological child will not remember being in your womb. They will not remember you breast feeding them or bringing them home from the hospital. They will have a subconscious bond with you because of the love you share and that is what will be the foundation of your relationship with them. It works the same way with an adopted child, you bond with them and they will love you and you will love them, because you are their mom. 

I am white with henna-red hair and gray eyes. My sister Emmabeth is blonde with golden-brown eyes. AJ is chocolate with almost black eyes and kinky hair. Min is tan with almond shaped eyes and long, black hair. Gigi is almost black and has huge brown eyes and a TWA (teeny, weeny afro.) Hopie is tan with almond eyes and light brown hair. They are all my sisters, they always have been and they always will be because that is who they are.

Adopting is not second rate.

And it's not just for the childless as a last resort, it's open to anyone.

And asking couples "Have you considered adoption?" is something that the church really should be doing more of, not backing down from. Churches should be assisting, financially, emotionally, whatever the couple needs. Churches should be asking the hard questions, do not ask them to stop.

And to those struggling with infertility, here's the truth. You should consider adoption. You should consider opening up your heart and your life to a child that will love you unconditionally and will teach you exactly how God loves you, all before their third birthday. Because life is a gift, and children are a gift, and love is a gift, whether you conceived it, or not.

Love.