I went to Bible study and I sat between two growing bellies. Baby girls, both due in January. My stomach region ached, and I am pretty sure my uterus curled up into a little embarrassed ball in it's currently useless state.
These are pretty normal feelings for me. The hubs and I have been trying to conceive for our entire marriage, so 4 years and 5 months and, as of yet, there has been no bun in this oven. I have wanted children my entire life, as long as I can remember, all of my dreams and goals and ambitions all involved, nay centered around, raising a family of rambunctious offspring. I have read parenting books and babysat and worked in the nurseries for over 10 years and I'm pretty much an expert. I would give me a baby. Seriously.
For those who are not familiar with infertility, it means that, as a couple, the hubs and I are unable to conceive at this time. We have not been through the elaborate rigmarole of expensive and invasive tests to find out where the problem lies and all preliminary exams show that everything is good to go, and yet, here we are. Regular sex, no baby, after 12 months I am declared infertile.
So I stay away from pregnant women, walk misty-eyed through the baby aisles in department stores and stare rudely, and probably disconcertingly, at babies. Especially fat babies. Who doesn't love a good, fat baby? Me and my incompetent baby making set cringe every time we hear of another story about a knocked up teen or a couple who didn't want any children getting a "surprise." We hide our head in shame and embarrassment every time we walk, we walk alone, strollerless. I feel a little less of a woman when I listen to the motherhood stories, everything from diapers to having "the talk," things that I feel like I should be doing...but am not good enough to do. Mother's Day is little like National Cake Day to a fat kid on a diet: usually I can handle the craving, but it's an entire day dedicated to celebrating something that I can't have.
So here's my blog post about how I want to be treated as a woman struggling with the inability to conceive.
Wait, no. I read that somewhere else. There are plenty of those out there. I wanted to do something a little different. I apologize for the jumping jumble, but bear with me. Or don't. Your call!
This is my letter to mom's-not-to-be about their ideas of handling infertility. I have seen "rules" on 4-5 blogs in just the last month and I thought it was time to highlight a few of my own. You see, I am not writing this blog to admonish you mothers and well meaning older ladies. I am hoping to share a different perspective from what I see all around me. Most childless women are asking (demanding) that they be treated differently and more considerately than a mother who has conceived. I think some light needs to be shed on the subject. I am writing from a place of honesty and not hurt and hope to bring about some clarity for both sides. Let me 'splain. (Cue Ricky Ricardo "Lucy! You got some 'splainin' to do!"
Things infertile women blog and/or say (but mostly blog, because a lot of these things seem rude to say in person, but blogging is ok):
1. "Don't ask me if I'm pregnant."
Ok, I can understand this. Especially for women who are trying to conceive and are struggling with weight gain due to hormones, meds and stress. It is kind of rude to ask. Someone asked my Mom is she was preggo about 4 months after Emmabeth was born. I think she punched the young, blonde, recently engaged visitor right there in the church atrium, and she wasn't infertile. So yes, across the board, don't ask if someone is (or could be) pregnant, unless you know something they don't and are a medical professional. Ladies who are "Infertile Myrtles," show grace when someone asks you this question. Don't snap. Don't grumble. Don't berate. It's ok to cry, it's ok to show the sadness that you carry with you every second of every day. It's not elderly Widow Peabody or gossibly Lilly-May's fault that you aren't pregnant, don't take it out on them. Answer with as much or as little information as you feel comfortable with. "No, I'm not expecting. Not yet, anyways. You can pray about that if you think about it."
2. "Never invite me host or attend baby showers."
As I wrote above, being babyless hurts. I feel your pain. But here's the deal. Unless you are broadcasting that you can't conceive, everyone doesn't know. And if they do, why would they isolate you from functions involving babies? You will find yourself more and more alone because people don't know how to handle it. You are asking them to draw the line for you instead of making the decision to go or not go yourself. Here's the deal. The truth is hard. Babies are a gift from God. Not your babies, but all babies and it is your responsibility to encourage and build up your sisters in your church and community and for many of them, they are breaking into a huge new part of their lives and really could use all of the support and encouragement they can get! Step up, don't back out. Celebrate the gift of God and rejoice with those who rejoice.
3. "If you have children, don't even try to give me encouragement or advice. You don't understand."
Come off it! Being infertile is a burden. It is a trial. It is heartache. Do you honestly think that no one the world has experienced any of those things? Maybe someone can't speak directly to your personal issues, but they can encourage and challenge the heart! My mom has never been infertile, but she has buried her mother, her infant daughter and her husband. Can she not speak to an infertile woman about grief and longing? Get your head out of your reproductive organs and step down off of that pity platform. I think that infertility makes us feel less, or that other people view us as less, and so our default state is defense and isolation. "No one understands my pain, so don't bother trying." That is not how Christians are meant to operate. Your brothers and sisters are supposed to try and understand your pain and bear it with you in prayer and in fellowship and in coffee! Your pastors and friends should have the freedom to call you out on bitterness and discontentedness and depression. They should be able to encourage you in the dark days to turn your eyes upon Jesus. Let them do their job and stop behaving like a spoiled rotten teen with a complex. More often than not, I think our issue with Christian intervention is that we don't want to turn to God, because he made us like this and we are mad at him. It turns into a spiritual hostage situation: "I won't be a contributing member of my church and/or family and I certainly won't be praising your name until you make me a baby. Those are my terms, Heavenly Father, take them or leave them."
4. "Don't complain about your pregnancy and/or kids to me. I would cut off my right arm for a chance at being pooped on in my church clothes."
This one has two parts. Bear with me. First of all, I would cut off my right arm to have back pain, spit up, bikes in my driveway, stained carpet, crying preteen girls and macho teen boys who pull away. Dear mommy's, there are people in your life who would give anything to experience your Facebook statuses. We may stalk them because we can't look away, or you may find your updates blocked or hidden. As a no-bun kind of oven, I can't possibly understand the pain, fear, anxiety and heartbreak that you will go through raising your child. But I also can't understand the immense love that you share with the baby that grew inside of you and came into your life. And I know, in your heart of hearts, even in the worst moments, you know that that love and that bond are worth everything. And guess what, we know it too, so when we hear about or read about your swollen feet or tight bank account, all we feel is the missing bond. This flows right into my part 2. I am not going to ask you to not talk about the uncomfortable parts of parenting. Complaining and whining in general are not Christ-like or life enhancing qualities, but that's another conversation. Onward. Say I buy a car and it is a fine car, but then it starts having transmission trouble, so I have to spend $5,000 to replace it. Then it needs new tires, so $250. And we take a long road trip and the seats are not very comfortable across 900 miles and my back starts to spasm. So this is something I am going through, it's like the worst car luck in the world! (Side note, this is actually my life right now, except that our ignition is also broken and we start our car with a screw driver.) I'm telling you about this experience because it is what is going on in my life and I could use some encouragement or at least acknowledgement "oh man, that sucks!" I'm not trying to rub the fact that I own a car in your face or behave ungratefully. To all of us who are missing the children we may never hold, our mommy friends love their children. They know that at the end of the day, they would also give their right arm to experience all of the crappy things they have put up with that day if that's what it would take to raise their children. They post about ruined walls and waistlines and saggy boob memes because it is what is going on in their lives, not because they don't value their children or because they don't know what you are going through. It has nothing to do with you. You may post about the poor service at the restaurant you ate dinner at and you know what they think? "Well at least you get to go to dinner! I haven't left this house in 8 months wearing anything except for my yoga pants and a sweatshirt." And then you say "I would give up dinner forever to have a baby." And at the end of the day, no a night out is not a baby, but we all have different things. Things we are going through, working through, growing through. Mommy's, when you post about your kids, be considerate when you post, but if those struggling with infertility make you feel restricted or uncomfortable, then shame on us. That's our problem, not yours.
5. "Don't ask me if I have considered, or even bring up adoptions."
This one...this one just irritates the fire out of me. More about adopting here, but suffice it to say that this is just a crappy attitude. Why not? Why don't you want people to encourage you in something that you want (to grow you family by having a child) and in something that is close to God's heart, and therefore should be close to your's?
I have very strong views on marriage, not legal, gov't recognized matrimony, but the marriage relationship between a husband and wife because it is important to God. How do I know this? He used marriage to give us a picture of Christ's working relationship with the church. He could have used anything, but the connection, the commitment, the intimacy, the oneness of marriage is what He chose to use. I have the same strong conviction regarding adoption because God uses adoption to illustrate his relationship with us. He doesn't use pregnancy and birth. He uses adoption and it is important to him. When people tell me that they feel called to parent but not to adopt, I wonder what it is that draws this line for them.
6. "Dogs are not kids."
This is hilarious. I am guilty of saying this and I honestly have to laugh. "Ask Your Dad" blogger writes his own list that I wholeheartedly approve of. He says that "Unless "so and so" needs professional help, I guarantee "so and so" knows that her dog is not a human child. She also knows that having a dog is nothing like having a kid. What she's really saying is "Oh! Yes. I also have something in my life that poops AND brings me joy." It's true. I have two dogs, they poop and bring me joy. And no, they are not kids, but hey, all we really want is RELATABILITY!
Love one another, encourage each other, spur one another on to good works. Don't waste the time you have been given to live childless. There is a time for everything, and just because it's not time for you to be a mommy, it doesn't mean that it is time to become a nagging, jealous, selfish woman, obsessing over temperatures, cycles and when to "do it," and judging everyone else's right to conceive. Be patient with insensitive folks, they probably mean well. Don't become your infertility. Live your life, and keep hope in your heart.
Love.
So here's my blog post about how I want to be treated as a woman struggling with the inability to conceive.
Wait, no. I read that somewhere else. There are plenty of those out there. I wanted to do something a little different. I apologize for the jumping jumble, but bear with me. Or don't. Your call!
This is my letter to mom's-not-to-be about their ideas of handling infertility. I have seen "rules" on 4-5 blogs in just the last month and I thought it was time to highlight a few of my own. You see, I am not writing this blog to admonish you mothers and well meaning older ladies. I am hoping to share a different perspective from what I see all around me. Most childless women are asking (demanding) that they be treated differently and more considerately than a mother who has conceived. I think some light needs to be shed on the subject. I am writing from a place of honesty and not hurt and hope to bring about some clarity for both sides. Let me 'splain. (Cue Ricky Ricardo "Lucy! You got some 'splainin' to do!"
Things infertile women blog and/or say (but mostly blog, because a lot of these things seem rude to say in person, but blogging is ok):
1. "Don't ask me if I'm pregnant."
Ok, I can understand this. Especially for women who are trying to conceive and are struggling with weight gain due to hormones, meds and stress. It is kind of rude to ask. Someone asked my Mom is she was preggo about 4 months after Emmabeth was born. I think she punched the young, blonde, recently engaged visitor right there in the church atrium, and she wasn't infertile. So yes, across the board, don't ask if someone is (or could be) pregnant, unless you know something they don't and are a medical professional. Ladies who are "Infertile Myrtles," show grace when someone asks you this question. Don't snap. Don't grumble. Don't berate. It's ok to cry, it's ok to show the sadness that you carry with you every second of every day. It's not elderly Widow Peabody or gossibly Lilly-May's fault that you aren't pregnant, don't take it out on them. Answer with as much or as little information as you feel comfortable with. "No, I'm not expecting. Not yet, anyways. You can pray about that if you think about it."
2. "Never invite me host or attend baby showers."
As I wrote above, being babyless hurts. I feel your pain. But here's the deal. Unless you are broadcasting that you can't conceive, everyone doesn't know. And if they do, why would they isolate you from functions involving babies? You will find yourself more and more alone because people don't know how to handle it. You are asking them to draw the line for you instead of making the decision to go or not go yourself. Here's the deal. The truth is hard. Babies are a gift from God. Not your babies, but all babies and it is your responsibility to encourage and build up your sisters in your church and community and for many of them, they are breaking into a huge new part of their lives and really could use all of the support and encouragement they can get! Step up, don't back out. Celebrate the gift of God and rejoice with those who rejoice.
3. "If you have children, don't even try to give me encouragement or advice. You don't understand."
Come off it! Being infertile is a burden. It is a trial. It is heartache. Do you honestly think that no one the world has experienced any of those things? Maybe someone can't speak directly to your personal issues, but they can encourage and challenge the heart! My mom has never been infertile, but she has buried her mother, her infant daughter and her husband. Can she not speak to an infertile woman about grief and longing? Get your head out of your reproductive organs and step down off of that pity platform. I think that infertility makes us feel less, or that other people view us as less, and so our default state is defense and isolation. "No one understands my pain, so don't bother trying." That is not how Christians are meant to operate. Your brothers and sisters are supposed to try and understand your pain and bear it with you in prayer and in fellowship and in coffee! Your pastors and friends should have the freedom to call you out on bitterness and discontentedness and depression. They should be able to encourage you in the dark days to turn your eyes upon Jesus. Let them do their job and stop behaving like a spoiled rotten teen with a complex. More often than not, I think our issue with Christian intervention is that we don't want to turn to God, because he made us like this and we are mad at him. It turns into a spiritual hostage situation: "I won't be a contributing member of my church and/or family and I certainly won't be praising your name until you make me a baby. Those are my terms, Heavenly Father, take them or leave them."
4. "Don't complain about your pregnancy and/or kids to me. I would cut off my right arm for a chance at being pooped on in my church clothes."
This one has two parts. Bear with me. First of all, I would cut off my right arm to have back pain, spit up, bikes in my driveway, stained carpet, crying preteen girls and macho teen boys who pull away. Dear mommy's, there are people in your life who would give anything to experience your Facebook statuses. We may stalk them because we can't look away, or you may find your updates blocked or hidden. As a no-bun kind of oven, I can't possibly understand the pain, fear, anxiety and heartbreak that you will go through raising your child. But I also can't understand the immense love that you share with the baby that grew inside of you and came into your life. And I know, in your heart of hearts, even in the worst moments, you know that that love and that bond are worth everything. And guess what, we know it too, so when we hear about or read about your swollen feet or tight bank account, all we feel is the missing bond. This flows right into my part 2. I am not going to ask you to not talk about the uncomfortable parts of parenting. Complaining and whining in general are not Christ-like or life enhancing qualities, but that's another conversation. Onward. Say I buy a car and it is a fine car, but then it starts having transmission trouble, so I have to spend $5,000 to replace it. Then it needs new tires, so $250. And we take a long road trip and the seats are not very comfortable across 900 miles and my back starts to spasm. So this is something I am going through, it's like the worst car luck in the world! (Side note, this is actually my life right now, except that our ignition is also broken and we start our car with a screw driver.) I'm telling you about this experience because it is what is going on in my life and I could use some encouragement or at least acknowledgement "oh man, that sucks!" I'm not trying to rub the fact that I own a car in your face or behave ungratefully. To all of us who are missing the children we may never hold, our mommy friends love their children. They know that at the end of the day, they would also give their right arm to experience all of the crappy things they have put up with that day if that's what it would take to raise their children. They post about ruined walls and waistlines and saggy boob memes because it is what is going on in their lives, not because they don't value their children or because they don't know what you are going through. It has nothing to do with you. You may post about the poor service at the restaurant you ate dinner at and you know what they think? "Well at least you get to go to dinner! I haven't left this house in 8 months wearing anything except for my yoga pants and a sweatshirt." And then you say "I would give up dinner forever to have a baby." And at the end of the day, no a night out is not a baby, but we all have different things. Things we are going through, working through, growing through. Mommy's, when you post about your kids, be considerate when you post, but if those struggling with infertility make you feel restricted or uncomfortable, then shame on us. That's our problem, not yours.
5. "Don't ask me if I have considered, or even bring up adoptions."
This one...this one just irritates the fire out of me. More about adopting here, but suffice it to say that this is just a crappy attitude. Why not? Why don't you want people to encourage you in something that you want (to grow you family by having a child) and in something that is close to God's heart, and therefore should be close to your's?
I have very strong views on marriage, not legal, gov't recognized matrimony, but the marriage relationship between a husband and wife because it is important to God. How do I know this? He used marriage to give us a picture of Christ's working relationship with the church. He could have used anything, but the connection, the commitment, the intimacy, the oneness of marriage is what He chose to use. I have the same strong conviction regarding adoption because God uses adoption to illustrate his relationship with us. He doesn't use pregnancy and birth. He uses adoption and it is important to him. When people tell me that they feel called to parent but not to adopt, I wonder what it is that draws this line for them.
6. "Dogs are not kids."
This is hilarious. I am guilty of saying this and I honestly have to laugh. "Ask Your Dad" blogger writes his own list that I wholeheartedly approve of. He says that "Unless "so and so" needs professional help, I guarantee "so and so" knows that her dog is not a human child. She also knows that having a dog is nothing like having a kid. What she's really saying is "Oh! Yes. I also have something in my life that poops AND brings me joy." It's true. I have two dogs, they poop and bring me joy. And no, they are not kids, but hey, all we really want is RELATABILITY!
Love one another, encourage each other, spur one another on to good works. Don't waste the time you have been given to live childless. There is a time for everything, and just because it's not time for you to be a mommy, it doesn't mean that it is time to become a nagging, jealous, selfish woman, obsessing over temperatures, cycles and when to "do it," and judging everyone else's right to conceive. Be patient with insensitive folks, they probably mean well. Don't become your infertility. Live your life, and keep hope in your heart.
Love.
I love your posts on infertility!! I can sooo relate. There is a movie that can take me back to those feelings......Facing the Giants.....the scene with the wife in the doctor's office.....
ReplyDeleteI remember your family from when they lived in Baton Rouge.....
You blog beautifully!