So two of my Bible study buddies have had beautiful baby girls and another has found out she is expecting in the last 10 days! I am so truly happy for them, even with the pangs of longing, I have been taught so much about rejoicing with those who rejoice through my own experiences of mourning and having friends and family (and total strangers) mourn with me. As always, I struggle with my own feelings, but I am learning to replace the selfish desire with selfless love, and am able to live more fully because of that.
There are a lot of things out there that become "us." Not a part of who we are, but our everything. Our obsession, our knowledge base, our time, our private thoughts, our public outbursts on social media or blog, our conversations: our identity. Sometimes these identities are negative feelings (bitterness, anger, the feeling that life is unfair), sometimes they are just interests, or passions, blown into extreme proportions (healthy eating, fitness, parenting, work, good food or wine, Dr. Who), sometimes we become our cause (missions, politics, adoption, marriage, affordable health care) and sometimes we become our emptiness (infertility.) I personally believe that we are to be imitators of Christ and that our identity should be nothing more and nothing less than the redemption at the cross. I believe that idolatry is most simply defined as anything that we allow to become our identity that is not the cross. But, that is a different blog for a different time. For now I want to talk about what happens when infertility becomes who we are, what we are about and why we are living. That's not healthy.
That's a problem. It's a problem that a lot of women who struggle with infertility have. Because infertility touches so many levels and emotions, and centers around the one thing that most women (fertile or not) desire, a child, it is easy to allow infertility to become the center of our world. Here's why that's not a good idea:
1. "My infertility is something that I am ashamed of, therefore my identity is shame."
2. "I cannot fill this emptiness inside of me, therefore my identity is less than I should be."
3. "I feel that my infertility is unfair, therefore I am bitter."
4. "My infertility defines who I am, therefore I am nothing."
5. "No one understands my infertility therefore I am alone."
6. "I can't talk to anyone about this" results in isolation.
7. "It's not fair that she is pregnant" results in resentment.
8. "I would be a better mom" results in judgement and pride.
9. "I deserve a child" results in a false sense of entitlement.
10. "My life is incomplete without children" results in discontentedness.
As you allow your infertility to define you or to become your identity, these are the things that become your reality, and none of these things are good. Let's start with the first 5.
1. Your infertility is nothing you should be ashamed of. The inability to conceive is not something that you have control over. It is not a curse. It is not a punishment for some sin, even sexual sin. Some of you may be living with the natural consequences of a sexually immoral lifestyle (disease, scarring, treatment side effect), but that does not mean that God is punishing you, or that you should be ashamed. Do not become your shame.
2. You are everything that you are. If you are in Christ, you are a new creation in Him and you are being sanctified daily. You are justified before God through the saving work of Jesus and that MUST be enough for you. Because you aren't pregnant does not make you less of a person, less of a woman or less of child of God. Aside from that, you have so many things to offer. Some of you are musical, some of you are wonderful teachers, some of you are communicators, some of you are writers, artists, dancers, motivators, managers, the list goes on. Find a way to plug into your church or community and fill your emptiness with acts of service. See value in the things that you CAN bring to the table and enjoy the opportunity to do so.
3. Bitterness is such a dangerous thing. It is a seed that, like a tree, develops deep roots before it really even shows up in your active life or appearance, and by then, it is so hard to uproot. Beware of growing bitterness if you struggle with infertility, or if you are struggling with anything. It is so easy to think "This or that is unfair," and before you know it, "this or that" has become a deep hurt, a wound so messy and covered by such a thick layer of anger, resentment, frustration and unforgiveness that it can take a lifetime to recover from. Your infertility may not seem fair. Mine doesn't. But I am not the creator of life, and I have to believe that a God who created me and knows me has a reason for not choosing me to physically conceive and give birth to a child, at least not for now. Find rest in the love of the One who created you and take your hurt and anger to Him, don't let it grow inside of you forever.
4. "All I want is a family." "My life has centered around building a life for my family." "My heart and passion is to have a big family." All things are things that I have heard, or read, from infertile young women. All things that I have felt and said to friends, family members, and my sweet husband. Take away the "family" and you are left with "All I want is *nothing*," "My life has centered around building a life for *nothing*," and "My heart and passion is *nothing*." When our dreams and plans and passions circle around raising children, and we are left with an empty womb, we find ourselves with nothing. It is a place that every infertile woman I have spoken with has been. The thing is, you can't stay there. You can't continue to let nothingness define your life. You are more than the plans that you made that haven't come to fruition, and you have to become that "more." Find new passions, serve, share your love with foster children, needy women in your church (you know the ones) and the elderly. Build a life with your husband. This was something crucial for me to be able to move out of my nothingness: my husband and I are a family. We can work and live and love and serve together and have a wonderful life, as a family. I could be happy and find joy and fulfillment, but I had to let go of "nothing" and become a part of something else.
5. You aren't alone. First of all, you have a friend who sticks closer than a brother, and he didn't have children either. Cast all of your cares onto Christ, because he care for you. He cares for you truly and deeply. When you feel alone, run to Him. Secondly, there are hundreds of online blogs, forums and chat groups of women who are in your shoes. There are 6.7 million women between the ages of 15-44 with some level of infertility. There 1.5 million married women who are officially infertile (12 consecutive months of unprotected sex with hubs without conceiving). Just because your closest friends may not be struggling with this doesn't mean that A) no one else is, or B) that they aren't struggling with something else. People with infertility do not have the only claim to struggles, loss or hardships. Realizing that other people go through things equally as difficult as infertility is important to moving outside of yourself and staying a part of the human race. Be a friend, reach out, share your sadness, ask for prayer and be there for others. Do not fall prey to the lie "You are alone." Create a world with people in it and interact with them!
None of these identities are healthy. They aren't Christlike and they won't result in positive thinking or living. Take your thoughts and attitudes captive and turn the sad train around. You have to play an active role in who you are, if you just "let it happen," you will be lonely, bitter, nothing, empty and ashamed, I guarantee it.
Stay tuned for points 6-10 coming soon to a blog near you!
Love.
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