So two of my Bible study buddies have had beautiful baby girls and another has found out she is expecting in the last 10 days! I am so truly happy for them, even with the pangs of longing, I have been taught so much about rejoicing with those who rejoice through my own experiences of mourning and having friends and family (and total strangers) mourn with me. As always, I struggle with my own feelings, but I am learning to replace the selfish desire with selfless love, and am able to live more fully because of that.
There are a lot of things out there that become "us." Not a part of who we are, but our everything. Our obsession, our knowledge base, our time, our private thoughts, our public outbursts on social media or blog, our conversations: our identity. Sometimes these identities are negative feelings (bitterness, anger, the feeling that life is unfair), sometimes they are just interests, or passions, blown into extreme proportions (healthy eating, fitness, parenting, work, good food or wine, Dr. Who), sometimes we become our cause (missions, politics, adoption, marriage, affordable health care) and sometimes we become our emptiness (infertility.) I personally believe that we are to be imitators of Christ and that our identity should be nothing more and nothing less than the redemption at the cross. I believe that idolatry is most simply defined as anything that we allow to become our identity that is not the cross. But, that is a different blog for a different time. For now I want to talk about what happens when infertility becomes who we are, what we are about and why we are living. That's not healthy.
That's a problem. It's a problem that a lot of women who struggle with infertility have. Because infertility touches so many levels and emotions, and centers around the one thing that most women (fertile or not) desire, a child, it is easy to allow infertility to become the center of our world. Here's why that's not a good idea:
1. "My infertility is something that I am ashamed of, therefore my identity is shame."
2. "I cannot fill this emptiness inside of me, therefore my identity is less than I should be."
3. "I feel that my infertility is unfair, therefore I am bitter."
4. "My infertility defines who I am, therefore I am nothing."
5. "No one understands my infertility therefore I am alone."
6. "I can't talk to anyone about this" results in isolation.
7. "It's not fair that she is pregnant" results in resentment.
8. "I would be a better mom" results in judgement and pride.
9. "I deserve a child" results in a false sense of entitlement.
10. "My life is incomplete without children" results in discontentedness.
As you allow your infertility to define you or to become your identity, these are the things that become your reality, and none of these things are good. Let's start with the first 5.
1. Your infertility is nothing you should be ashamed of. The inability to conceive is not something that you have control over. It is not a curse. It is not a punishment for some sin, even sexual sin. Some of you may be living with the natural consequences of a sexually immoral lifestyle (disease, scarring, treatment side effect), but that does not mean that God is punishing you, or that you should be ashamed. Do not become your shame.
2. You are everything that you are. If you are in Christ, you are a new creation in Him and you are being sanctified daily. You are justified before God through the saving work of Jesus and that MUST be enough for you. Because you aren't pregnant does not make you less of a person, less of a woman or less of child of God. Aside from that, you have so many things to offer. Some of you are musical, some of you are wonderful teachers, some of you are communicators, some of you are writers, artists, dancers, motivators, managers, the list goes on. Find a way to plug into your church or community and fill your emptiness with acts of service. See value in the things that you CAN bring to the table and enjoy the opportunity to do so.
3. Bitterness is such a dangerous thing. It is a seed that, like a tree, develops deep roots before it really even shows up in your active life or appearance, and by then, it is so hard to uproot. Beware of growing bitterness if you struggle with infertility, or if you are struggling with anything. It is so easy to think "This or that is unfair," and before you know it, "this or that" has become a deep hurt, a wound so messy and covered by such a thick layer of anger, resentment, frustration and unforgiveness that it can take a lifetime to recover from. Your infertility may not seem fair. Mine doesn't. But I am not the creator of life, and I have to believe that a God who created me and knows me has a reason for not choosing me to physically conceive and give birth to a child, at least not for now. Find rest in the love of the One who created you and take your hurt and anger to Him, don't let it grow inside of you forever.
4. "All I want is a family." "My life has centered around building a life for my family." "My heart and passion is to have a big family." All things are things that I have heard, or read, from infertile young women. All things that I have felt and said to friends, family members, and my sweet husband. Take away the "family" and you are left with "All I want is *nothing*," "My life has centered around building a life for *nothing*," and "My heart and passion is *nothing*." When our dreams and plans and passions circle around raising children, and we are left with an empty womb, we find ourselves with nothing. It is a place that every infertile woman I have spoken with has been. The thing is, you can't stay there. You can't continue to let nothingness define your life. You are more than the plans that you made that haven't come to fruition, and you have to become that "more." Find new passions, serve, share your love with foster children, needy women in your church (you know the ones) and the elderly. Build a life with your husband. This was something crucial for me to be able to move out of my nothingness: my husband and I are a family. We can work and live and love and serve together and have a wonderful life, as a family. I could be happy and find joy and fulfillment, but I had to let go of "nothing" and become a part of something else.
5. You aren't alone. First of all, you have a friend who sticks closer than a brother, and he didn't have children either. Cast all of your cares onto Christ, because he care for you. He cares for you truly and deeply. When you feel alone, run to Him. Secondly, there are hundreds of online blogs, forums and chat groups of women who are in your shoes. There are 6.7 million women between the ages of 15-44 with some level of infertility. There 1.5 million married women who are officially infertile (12 consecutive months of unprotected sex with hubs without conceiving). Just because your closest friends may not be struggling with this doesn't mean that A) no one else is, or B) that they aren't struggling with something else. People with infertility do not have the only claim to struggles, loss or hardships. Realizing that other people go through things equally as difficult as infertility is important to moving outside of yourself and staying a part of the human race. Be a friend, reach out, share your sadness, ask for prayer and be there for others. Do not fall prey to the lie "You are alone." Create a world with people in it and interact with them!
None of these identities are healthy. They aren't Christlike and they won't result in positive thinking or living. Take your thoughts and attitudes captive and turn the sad train around. You have to play an active role in who you are, if you just "let it happen," you will be lonely, bitter, nothing, empty and ashamed, I guarantee it.
Stay tuned for points 6-10 coming soon to a blog near you!
Love.
Tuesday, January 21, 2014
Why We Should Ask "Have You Ever Considered Adopting?"
Note: To preface this post, I want to acknowledge that there are situations that prevent couples from adopting and that door is not open to them. Please do not hear me saying that anyone who doesn't chose adoption is an idiot or going to burn in hell. I merely want to make a case for adoption :-)
In a previous post, I wrote about questions and comments that women dealing with infertility frequently deal with, and complain about. In this post, I am elaborating on this one:
"Don't ask me if I have considered, or even bring up adoptions."
I am going to quote another blogger. I have no idea what this woman's story is and I do not judge her decisions in any way. I am using this as an example and I do think she comes off a little harsh, but I mostly stole her words because she said what I hear all the time, only better. In what she calls number 7 "Everyone's perfect solution" City Wife, Country Life blogger writes
" 'What you say: “Why don’t you just adopt?"
I am white with henna-red hair and gray eyes. My sister Emmabeth is blonde with golden-brown eyes. AJ is chocolate with almost black eyes and kinky hair. Min is tan with almond shaped eyes and long, black hair. Gigi is almost black and has huge brown eyes and a TWA (teeny, weeny afro.) Hopie is tan with almond eyes and light brown hair. They are all my sisters, they always have been and they always will be because that is who they are.
Adopting is not second rate.
And it's not just for the childless as a last resort, it's open to anyone.
And asking couples "Have you considered adoption?" is something that the church really should be doing more of, not backing down from. Churches should be assisting, financially, emotionally, whatever the couple needs. Churches should be asking the hard questions, do not ask them to stop.
And to those struggling with infertility, here's the truth. You should consider adoption. You should consider opening up your heart and your life to a child that will love you unconditionally and will teach you exactly how God loves you, all before their third birthday. Because life is a gift, and children are a gift, and love is a gift, whether you conceived it, or not.
Love.
In a previous post, I wrote about questions and comments that women dealing with infertility frequently deal with, and complain about. In this post, I am elaborating on this one:
"Don't ask me if I have considered, or even bring up adoptions."
I am going to quote another blogger. I have no idea what this woman's story is and I do not judge her decisions in any way. I am using this as an example and I do think she comes off a little harsh, but I mostly stole her words because she said what I hear all the time, only better. In what she calls number 7 "Everyone's perfect solution" City Wife, Country Life blogger writes
" 'What you say: “Why don’t you just adopt?"
What I hear: dagger plunge, twist, thrust, rip heart out, leave her there to bleed to death.
“Why don’t you just adopt?” Oh, that the answer to all of life’s most crushing pains could be so easily answered by such a simple solution.
“It’s never going to happen for you. Why don’t you just give up all of this nonsense of conceiving a child in the life-giving love of your marriage, growing bone of your bone and flesh of your flesh within your womb for nine months, sacrificing your body while giving birth, nourishing your child with her mother’s milk, bearing a child with your husband’s radiant eyes and sheepish smile… you’ll still have a kid and will be helping someone else out, too!” "
She goes on to make the points "Adoption is a calling, it's not a fall back plan when all other methods fail,"and "Adoption doesn't cure infertility, it eliminates childlessness."
I agree (strongly) with both points, but the intro to the #7 burns me up. Adoption IS a calling, but caring for orphans is defined as "pure and undefiled religion," so I'm pretty sure that counts. And no, adoption does not make you fertile, but it does make you a Mommy. And really, you are so set in your own ways that you would rather be experience a life of childlessness than to consider something as amazing as adoption? I am so tired of hearing this from women who cannot have children and who say things like "I guess I will learn to be content with an empty nest" and "I feel called to motherhood, so why hasn't God given me a child?" and "I trust God with the size of my family, so maybe I will only have a few children, or one, or none."
As I have written before (here) I have very strong views on marriage, not legal, gov't recognized matrimony, but the marriage relationship between a husband and wife because it is important to God. How do I know this? He used marriage to give us a picture of Christ's working relationship with the church. He could have used anything, but the connection, the commitment, the intimacy, the oneness of marriage is what He chose to use. I have the same strong conviction regarding adoption because God uses adoption to illustrate his relationship with us. He doesn't use pregnancy and birth. He uses adoption and it is important to him. When people tell me that they feel called to parent but not to adopt, I wonder what it is that draws this line for them.
As I have written before (here) I have very strong views on marriage, not legal, gov't recognized matrimony, but the marriage relationship between a husband and wife because it is important to God. How do I know this? He used marriage to give us a picture of Christ's working relationship with the church. He could have used anything, but the connection, the commitment, the intimacy, the oneness of marriage is what He chose to use. I have the same strong conviction regarding adoption because God uses adoption to illustrate his relationship with us. He doesn't use pregnancy and birth. He uses adoption and it is important to him. When people tell me that they feel called to parent but not to adopt, I wonder what it is that draws this line for them.
The fact that adoption brings on such a physical response for some people (daggers, twisting, hearts, blood) (um, also, ew gross) means there is a heart issue here. No one is saying give up on trying to conceive. People seem to assume that adoption is a sort of inferior way to have a child. It's second rate, it's more difficult, it's not really what they wanted in the first place. People have this glorified view of conceiving, carrying and birthing a child that looks like them that makes them more of a mother than if they were to bring the product of someone else's DNA into their lives. This is ridiculous.
Let me tell you something. When you have an adopted child and a biological child, you will not love them differently. Yes, one came from your womb and one came to you in a hospital or a foreign country or a CPS office. One has your eyes and one looks nothing like you. But here is what they have in common.
Both came from uncertainty. Struggling-to-get-pregnants seem to have this idea that adopting a child is full of fears from paperwork to birth mothers changing their minds and painful separations. They seem to forget that pregnancy brings uncertainties. When I went with my mom to her ultrasounds I remember her holding her breath, waiting to hear that heartbeat. Babies are born prematurely, with birth defects and sometimes a mother will be painfully separated from a child she has carried and delivered. Choosing not to adopt does not protect you from heartbreak and loss.
Both are expensive. If I hear about the expense of adoption being a reason to not adopt again, I'm going to scream. There are organizations out there that run solely to provide grants and funding for adopting parents who can't come up with the cash on hand. Look into that before you write it off as an excuse. And a baby delivery? You could be looking at $15,000 if you don't have health insurance, and that is for an uncomplicated vaginal delivery. If you have to have newborn in the NICU for even a few days, that price goes up up up. Yes, you could say "I'm doing a home birth," but you still need a coach, midwife or doula and what if there is an emergency? You can't guarantee that it's not going to cost you. And if your income isn't stable enough to pass a home study, how are you planning on paying for all of the fertility treatments and appointments you are looking at, much less actually raising a baby?
Both look at you and see their mommy. They see the woman who feeds and clothes and bathes them. They see the hands that they reach for when they learn to walk and that they hold when they pray before bed. They see the eyes that they will find comfort in from booboos to first heartbreaks. It doesn't matter to them that they may not have your nose, they have your heart. You may share things with your adopted child that you don't with a biological child, things like music or art or a weird love of peanut butter and chocolate.
Your biological child will not remember being in your womb. They will not remember you breast feeding them or bringing them home from the hospital. They will have a subconscious bond with you because of the love you share and that is what will be the foundation of your relationship with them. It works the same way with an adopted child, you bond with them and they will love you and you will love them, because you are their mom.
I am white with henna-red hair and gray eyes. My sister Emmabeth is blonde with golden-brown eyes. AJ is chocolate with almost black eyes and kinky hair. Min is tan with almond shaped eyes and long, black hair. Gigi is almost black and has huge brown eyes and a TWA (teeny, weeny afro.) Hopie is tan with almond eyes and light brown hair. They are all my sisters, they always have been and they always will be because that is who they are.
Adopting is not second rate.
And it's not just for the childless as a last resort, it's open to anyone.
And asking couples "Have you considered adoption?" is something that the church really should be doing more of, not backing down from. Churches should be assisting, financially, emotionally, whatever the couple needs. Churches should be asking the hard questions, do not ask them to stop.
And to those struggling with infertility, here's the truth. You should consider adoption. You should consider opening up your heart and your life to a child that will love you unconditionally and will teach you exactly how God loves you, all before their third birthday. Because life is a gift, and children are a gift, and love is a gift, whether you conceived it, or not.
Love.
Thursday, January 9, 2014
4 Things You Should Leave To Your Children
The end is coming.
For all of us. At some point, we will all be gone. Our lives will change, they will run their course and then they will end. Be prepared for the end. This post goes out for all parents out there with a few things I think you should leave for your children. In the last months of Dad's life, we made many visits with lawyers, accountants, etc to prepare for after he was gone. What I didn't realize at the time, was that he had been preparing for his departure for my whole life, even if he didn't know it. In my eyes, the eyes of a child who has lost her parent, these are the most important preparations that he made and the greatest things he left to me.
1. Leave your children with an identity. As babies and children, we are like tiny little sponges. We absorb everything around us, we just take it all in. When we hit our teen and adult years, we get squeezed and all of the stuff that we have absorbed comes out. That stuff becomes who we are. We are trying to figure out who we are, who we will be, how we will live in this world, big questions! Moms and Dads, help us figure it out. Don't question our passions, help us develop them into healthy and productive lifestyles and we will grow up believing that we have gifts and talents, something to contribute to society. Praise us for trying new things, for being brave, and for following through, and we will learn to love adventure and to step out into the great unknown, which is basically the rest of our lives, not with fear, but with determination and excitement. Let us fail. It will make us stronger and we will learn from it. Forgive us. It will teach us to trust that people make mistakes, but that people can be forgiving, and that we should forgive others. Help us discover who we are, what we love and what we will stand for and be about, (even if it is different from who you are.)
2. Leave them with memories. Life isn't about humans coexisting and excelling and moving on to the next thing. Life is about people sharing experiences, being involved in life, giving of yourself and impacting others. Make sure that in the midst of raising perfectly well-behaved children to function in modern society that you spend plenty of time creating memories. Some ideas? Take a spontaneous day trip, make a movie with action figures and the video camera (or a cell phone), spend the day driving or biking around town and document your trip, read together at night. Celebrate birthdays, anniversaries and holidays with traditions and be intentional about showing your family that time spent together is worth the time it takes.
3. Leave them with security. This doesn't necessarily mean to leave them with a lot of money (though, life insurance = good idea, no matter how old you are). It means teach them about money. Teach them to manage their finances, specifically how to budget and save. Let them see you handling bills and making payments, balancing a check book and making large purchases (like a house, or a car) when they are kids. Take them to the bank to open an account and help them become familiar with money orders, credit cards vs debit cards, how to avoid a negative balance, and the idea of debt free living. BUT in order to manage money, you have to make money. The best security you can leave your kids is the ability to provide for themselves. Make them work while they are living under your roof. Get their butts to the mall, movie theater, grocery store or restaurant and encourage them to work hard. If they do additional jobs at home, compensate them. Teach them that their hard work will result in compensation, just like slacking off or living off of YOUR hard work will result in empty pockets. As a side note, if they have the opportunity to intern or apprentice in a skill that they see a future in, let them do that, even if it doesn't pay. It is investing in their future with experience, and resume!
4. Leave them with a piece of you. Be involved in the lives of those you love, especially your family and children. When you are gone, they will remember you, or they will have truly lost you. Things you say often, your favorite foods, the fact that you cry during the Alamo movie with John Wayne...every time..., these are things that we hold onto. It is up to you to be transparent enough with your children that they will have pieces of you when you aren't with them anymore. My Dad always used to say "That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard" whenever we said anything ridiculous and usually self deprecating. and I will never forget that. He also loved Mary Poppins and saw Star Wars (every episode) on opening night. He cried when he talked about Patrick Henry or Davy Crockett and he shot skeet sitting down in a lawn chair while he pulled for himself. He never said a bad word, and I only heard him say "butt" three times...in my whole life... Be yourself to your family and let them see you cry. Let them see you laugh, let them see you stumble and let them see you repent. Let them see who you are, warts and all, because they will love you, warts and all, long after you have left them. And that is the greatest thing that you can leave behind for your kids.
Love.
For all of us. At some point, we will all be gone. Our lives will change, they will run their course and then they will end. Be prepared for the end. This post goes out for all parents out there with a few things I think you should leave for your children. In the last months of Dad's life, we made many visits with lawyers, accountants, etc to prepare for after he was gone. What I didn't realize at the time, was that he had been preparing for his departure for my whole life, even if he didn't know it. In my eyes, the eyes of a child who has lost her parent, these are the most important preparations that he made and the greatest things he left to me.
1. Leave your children with an identity. As babies and children, we are like tiny little sponges. We absorb everything around us, we just take it all in. When we hit our teen and adult years, we get squeezed and all of the stuff that we have absorbed comes out. That stuff becomes who we are. We are trying to figure out who we are, who we will be, how we will live in this world, big questions! Moms and Dads, help us figure it out. Don't question our passions, help us develop them into healthy and productive lifestyles and we will grow up believing that we have gifts and talents, something to contribute to society. Praise us for trying new things, for being brave, and for following through, and we will learn to love adventure and to step out into the great unknown, which is basically the rest of our lives, not with fear, but with determination and excitement. Let us fail. It will make us stronger and we will learn from it. Forgive us. It will teach us to trust that people make mistakes, but that people can be forgiving, and that we should forgive others. Help us discover who we are, what we love and what we will stand for and be about, (even if it is different from who you are.)
2. Leave them with memories. Life isn't about humans coexisting and excelling and moving on to the next thing. Life is about people sharing experiences, being involved in life, giving of yourself and impacting others. Make sure that in the midst of raising perfectly well-behaved children to function in modern society that you spend plenty of time creating memories. Some ideas? Take a spontaneous day trip, make a movie with action figures and the video camera (or a cell phone), spend the day driving or biking around town and document your trip, read together at night. Celebrate birthdays, anniversaries and holidays with traditions and be intentional about showing your family that time spent together is worth the time it takes.
3. Leave them with security. This doesn't necessarily mean to leave them with a lot of money (though, life insurance = good idea, no matter how old you are). It means teach them about money. Teach them to manage their finances, specifically how to budget and save. Let them see you handling bills and making payments, balancing a check book and making large purchases (like a house, or a car) when they are kids. Take them to the bank to open an account and help them become familiar with money orders, credit cards vs debit cards, how to avoid a negative balance, and the idea of debt free living. BUT in order to manage money, you have to make money. The best security you can leave your kids is the ability to provide for themselves. Make them work while they are living under your roof. Get their butts to the mall, movie theater, grocery store or restaurant and encourage them to work hard. If they do additional jobs at home, compensate them. Teach them that their hard work will result in compensation, just like slacking off or living off of YOUR hard work will result in empty pockets. As a side note, if they have the opportunity to intern or apprentice in a skill that they see a future in, let them do that, even if it doesn't pay. It is investing in their future with experience, and resume!
4. Leave them with a piece of you. Be involved in the lives of those you love, especially your family and children. When you are gone, they will remember you, or they will have truly lost you. Things you say often, your favorite foods, the fact that you cry during the Alamo movie with John Wayne...every time..., these are things that we hold onto. It is up to you to be transparent enough with your children that they will have pieces of you when you aren't with them anymore. My Dad always used to say "That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard" whenever we said anything ridiculous and usually self deprecating. and I will never forget that. He also loved Mary Poppins and saw Star Wars (every episode) on opening night. He cried when he talked about Patrick Henry or Davy Crockett and he shot skeet sitting down in a lawn chair while he pulled for himself. He never said a bad word, and I only heard him say "butt" three times...in my whole life... Be yourself to your family and let them see you cry. Let them see you laugh, let them see you stumble and let them see you repent. Let them see who you are, warts and all, because they will love you, warts and all, long after you have left them. And that is the greatest thing that you can leave behind for your kids.
Love.
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