What To Expect When You're Not Expecting (Part 1)

I sat in the dentist's office waiting room with my little sibs. Mothers looked up at their young children over the top of the complimentary "Family Fun" and "O" magazines. Babies toddled around and played with the germy little toys, you know the ones, the beads on the curly tracks and the semi-inflatable squishy books. Tarzan was playing on the TV. I was filling out 7 sets of paperwork for the 7 sets of teeth with 7 sets of new insurance information, but it was hard to focus. Yes, I was there with 7 children (plus a crabby teen), but all I could think about was the other babies in the room and my heart hurt because none of them were mine.

I went to Bible study and I sat between two growing bellies. Baby girls, both due in January. My stomach region ached, and I am pretty sure my uterus curled up into a little embarrassed ball in it's currently useless state. 

These are pretty normal feelings for me. The hubs and I have been trying to conceive for our entire marriage, so 4 years and 5 months and, as of yet, there has been no bun in this oven. I have wanted children my entire life, as long as I can remember, all of my dreams and goals and ambitions all involved, nay centered around, raising a family of rambunctious offspring. I have read parenting books and babysat and worked in the nurseries for over 10 years and I'm pretty much an expert. I would give me a baby. Seriously. 

For those who are not familiar with infertility, it means that, as a couple, the hubs and I are unable to conceive at this time. We have not been through the elaborate rigmarole of expensive and invasive tests to find out where the problem lies and all preliminary exams show that everything is good to go, and yet, here we are. Regular sex, no baby, after 12 months I am declared infertile. 

So I stay away from pregnant women, walk misty-eyed through the baby aisles in department stores and stare rudely, and probably disconcertingly, at babies. Especially fat babies. Who doesn't love a good, fat baby? Me and my incompetent baby making set cringe every time we hear of another story about a knocked up teen or a couple who didn't want any children getting a "surprise." We hide our head in shame and embarrassment every time we walk, we walk alone, strollerless. I feel a little less of a woman when I listen to the motherhood stories, everything from diapers to having "the talk," things that I feel like I should be doing...but am not good enough to do. Mother's Day is little like National Cake Day to a fat kid on a diet: usually I can handle the craving, but it's an entire day dedicated to celebrating something that I can't have.

So here's my blog post about how I want to be treated as a woman struggling with the inability to conceive.

Wait, no. I read that somewhere else. There are plenty of those out there. I wanted to do something a little different. I apologize for the jumping jumble, but bear with me. Or don't. Your call!

This is my letter to mom's-not-to-be about their ideas of handling infertility. I have seen "rules" on 4-5 blogs in just the last month and I thought it was time to highlight a few of my own. You see, I am not writing this blog to admonish you mothers and well meaning older ladies. I am hoping to share a different perspective from what I see all around me. Most childless women are asking (demanding) that they be treated differently and more considerately than a mother who has conceived. I think some light needs to be shed on the subject. I am writing from a place of honesty and not hurt and hope to bring about some clarity for both sides. Let me 'splain. (Cue Ricky Ricardo "Lucy! You got some 'splainin' to do!"

Things infertile women blog and/or say (but mostly blog, because a lot of these things seem rude to say in person, but blogging is ok):

1. "Don't ask me if I'm pregnant."

Ok, I can understand this. Especially for women who are trying to conceive and are struggling with weight gain due to hormones, meds and stress. It is kind of rude to ask. Someone asked my Mom is she was preggo about 4 months after Emmabeth was born. I think she punched the young, blonde, recently engaged visitor right there in the church atrium, and she wasn't infertile. So yes, across the board, don't ask if someone is (or could be) pregnant, unless you know something they don't and are a medical professional. Ladies who are "Infertile Myrtles," show grace when someone asks you this question. Don't snap. Don't grumble. Don't berate. It's ok to cry, it's ok to show the sadness that you carry with you every second of every day. It's not elderly Widow Peabody or gossibly Lilly-May's fault that you aren't pregnant, don't take it out on them. Answer with as much or as little information as you feel comfortable with. "No, I'm not expecting. Not yet, anyways. You can pray about that if you think about it."

 2. "Never invite me host or attend baby showers."

As I wrote above, being babyless hurts. I feel your pain. But here's the deal. Unless you are broadcasting that you can't conceive, everyone doesn't know. And if they do, why would they isolate you from functions involving babies? You will find yourself more and more alone because people don't know how to handle it. You are asking them to draw the line for you instead of making the decision to go or not go yourself. Here's the deal. The truth is hard. Babies are a gift from God. Not your babies, but all babies and it is your responsibility to encourage and build up your sisters in your church and community and for many of them, they are breaking into a huge new part of their lives and really could use all of the support and encouragement they can get! Step up, don't back out. Celebrate the gift of God and rejoice with those who rejoice.

3. "If you have children, don't even try to give me encouragement or advice. You don't understand."

Come off it! Being infertile is a burden. It is a trial. It is heartache. Do you honestly think that no one the world has experienced any of those things? Maybe someone can't speak directly to your personal issues, but they can encourage and challenge the heart! My mom has never been infertile, but she has buried her mother, her infant daughter and her husband. Can she not speak to an infertile woman about grief and longing? Get your head out of your reproductive organs and step down off of that pity platform. I think that infertility makes us feel less, or that other people view us as less, and so our default state is defense and isolation. "No one understands my pain, so don't bother trying." That is not how Christians are meant to operate. Your brothers and sisters are supposed to try and understand your pain and bear it with you in prayer and in fellowship and in coffee! Your pastors and friends should have the freedom to call you out on bitterness and discontentedness and depression. They should be able to encourage you in the dark days to turn your eyes upon Jesus. Let them do their job and stop behaving like a spoiled rotten teen with a complex. More often than not, I think our issue with Christian intervention is that we don't want to turn to God, because he made us like this and we are mad at him. It turns into a spiritual hostage situation: "I won't be a contributing member of my church and/or family and I certainly won't be praising your name until you make me a baby. Those are my terms, Heavenly Father, take them or leave them."

4. "Don't complain about your pregnancy and/or kids to me. I would cut off my right arm for a chance at being pooped on in my church clothes."

This one has two parts. Bear with me. First of all, I would cut off my right arm to have back pain, spit up, bikes in my driveway, stained carpet, crying preteen girls and macho teen boys who pull away. Dear mommy's, there are people in your life who would give anything to experience your Facebook statuses. We may stalk them because we can't look away, or you may find your updates blocked or hidden. As a no-bun kind of oven, I can't possibly understand the pain, fear, anxiety and heartbreak that you will go through raising your child. But I also can't understand the immense love that you share with the baby that grew inside of you and came into your life. And I know, in your heart of hearts, even in the worst moments, you know that that love and that bond are worth everything. And guess what, we know it too, so when we hear about or read about your swollen feet or tight bank account, all we feel is the missing bond. This flows right into my part 2. I am not going to ask you to not talk about the uncomfortable parts of parenting. Complaining and whining in general are not Christ-like or life enhancing qualities, but that's another conversation. Onward. Say I buy a car and it is a fine car, but then it starts having transmission trouble, so I have to spend $5,000 to replace it. Then it needs new tires, so $250. And we take a long road trip and the seats are not very comfortable across 900 miles and my back starts to spasm. So this is something I am going through, it's like the worst car luck in the world! (Side note, this is actually my life right now, except that our ignition is also broken and we start our car with a screw driver.) I'm telling you about this experience because it is what is going on in my life and I could use some encouragement or at least acknowledgement "oh man, that sucks!" I'm not trying to rub the fact that I own a car in your face or behave ungratefully. To all of us who are missing the children we may never hold, our mommy friends love their children. They know that at the end of the day, they would also give their right arm to experience all of the crappy things they have put up with that day if that's what it would take to raise their children. They post about ruined walls and waistlines and saggy boob memes because it is what is going on in their lives, not because they don't value their children or because they don't know what you are going through. It has nothing to do with you. You may post about the poor service at the restaurant you ate dinner at and you know what they think? "Well at least you get to go to dinner! I haven't left this house in 8 months wearing anything except for my yoga pants and a sweatshirt." And then you say "I would give up dinner forever to have a baby." And at the end of the day, no a night out is not a baby, but we all have different things. Things we are going through, working through, growing through. Mommy's, when you post about your kids, be considerate when you post, but if those struggling with infertility make you feel restricted or uncomfortable, then shame on us. That's our problem, not yours.

5. "Don't ask me if I have considered, or even bring up adoptions."

This one...this one just irritates the fire out of me. More about adopting here, but suffice it to say that this is just a crappy attitude. Why not? Why don't you want people to encourage you in something that you want (to grow you family by having a child) and in something that is close to God's heart, and therefore should be close to your's?

I have very strong views on marriage, not legal, gov't recognized matrimony, but the marriage relationship between a husband and wife because it is important to God. How do I know this? He used marriage to give us a picture of Christ's working relationship with the church. He could have used anything, but the connection, the commitment, the intimacy, the oneness of marriage is what He chose to use. I have the same strong conviction regarding adoption because God uses adoption to illustrate his relationship with us. He doesn't use pregnancy and birth. He uses adoption and it is important to him. When people tell me that they feel called to parent but not to adopt, I wonder what it is that draws this line for them. 

6. "Dogs are not kids."

This is hilarious. I am guilty of saying this and I honestly have to laugh. "Ask Your Dad" blogger writes his own list that I wholeheartedly approve of. He says that "Unless "so and so" needs professional help, I guarantee "so and so" knows that her dog is not a human child. She also knows that having a dog is nothing like having a kid. What she's really saying is "Oh! Yes. I also have something in my life that poops AND brings me joy." It's true. I have two dogs, they poop and bring me joy. And no, they are not kids, but hey, all we really want is RELATABILITY!

Love one another, encourage each other, spur one another on to good works. Don't waste the time you have been given to live childless. There is a time for everything, and just because it's not time for you to be a mommy, it doesn't mean that it is time to become a nagging, jealous, selfish woman, obsessing over temperatures, cycles and when to "do it," and judging everyone else's right to conceive. Be patient with insensitive folks, they probably mean well. Don't become your infertility. Live your life, and keep hope in your heart. 

Love. 

Bible Study...And Why It's the Worst!

So it's Thursday. I love today. Why? Because Once Upon A Time in WONDERLAND premiers AND it's Project Runway night. Not my favorite season, FYI, they should NOT have sent Kate home!

But. Here I am, literally writing a blog post because I would rather do anything than prepare for Bible study. I have not picked up my Bible in over a week (well technically I think my actual Bible is in storage so it's been way longer, so I use my phone, but you get the point) because it made me think of Bible Study. Our church recently began a women's weekly Bible Study where the ladies were divided into smaller groups and meet with those groups weekly to work though the same book. I was, naturally, assigned to the young ladies group. Yep, young married ladies. I have only made it to one meeting...ahem...tonight is week 4. In my defense I have had rehearsal (more on that later) the past two weeks, so while I wasn't exactly disappointed that I missed Bible study, I wasn't trying to avoid it!

So what is wrong with my Bible study, you ask?

The ladies are horrible? Judgey? Shallow? Nope. They all seem pretty lovely. Most of them (all except for two of us) are young mothers or mothers-to-be. Yeah, that part is hard, but more on that later!

So what is it? The curriculum is crap? No. I think it is actually a good study, though maybe a little bit basic, it is a foundational book. Worth reading, in my opinion. "Gospel Identity"

The drive? It's like, 15 minutes away.

The leaders? Adorable and Godly women who have walked the married lady road for longer than I have!

NO SNACKS? Wrong again. Excellent munchies.

So here are my top 5 reasons that I am avoiding Bible Study like the plague:

1. I am tired. It's legit. I'm not "I need a nap, I'm so tired from blah blah blah" tired. I'm "I need the Cat in the Hat to come and take care of the kids and clean the house and run my business and then maybe I will have the time/desire/energy for any type of social life" kind of tired. Talking to people and listening to their questions, concerns and complaints is what I do for a living and what I do in my free time. I have no desire to cultivate new friendships with people who, while very charming, are in such a different place in their lives than I am, that if we got beyond the basics, I am fairly certain we would need an interpreter.

2. I can't relate and that makes me uncomfortable. Anyone else? Anybody else out there a weirdo? Not like a rock lover or a vegetarian, but a broadway music fangirl who owns their own business or has a strained marriage. Does anyone share MY weirdness? Reality CHECK fangirl! Everyone is weird. And we all want to find people to share our weirdness so that we can have this magical connection called "relatability" or, in the dating world "compatibility." What does that mean? (By the way, yes I know I am typing approximately 4-5 question marks for every period. Oh well.) It means we desire to be affirmed by meeting other people who share our interests, hobbies, lifestyle choices, stage in life, experiences, etc and the more personal or more quirky the connection, the deeper and more compatible your friendship has the potential to become. No, I don't want to meet 100 me's. But honestly, I just don't see the point in wasting precious energy struggling to find that magical relatability with anyone in Bible study. No one is like me, so no one is worth giving a chance.

3. I hate wearing pants. I feel like that is a "'nuff said" kind of reason, but to elaborate, in case you are misunderstanding, I hate wearing pants. Literally. I hate jeans, leggings, dress and casual pants. I will tolerate a sweat pant or my Transformers pajama pants if necessary, but wearing actual clothes is just...well...grrrrrr. Also, allow me to clarify that I am not "too sexy for my...pants" by any means and the world would not want to see me pants less.

4. I think I'm still a little confused since Dad died. I know what I believe, but I am trying to move on and it's a little intimate to be squished into an hour session once a week between feedings and bedtimes for the mommy's.

5. I don't have a 5th reason. And even if I did, I don't have time to write it. Why, you may ask? Because it's 5:00 and I am going to be late. I have just enough time to go take off my Transformers pjs and put on big girl pants. I'm going to take a pen and my phone-Bible and I am going to drive to Bible study. I am going to read the Word and I am going to pray with and for the ladies in my group.

But I just said...

Yeah. I explained all of my reasons and to conclude, I am going to my Thursday night Bible study because Bible study is only the worst when it becomes bIble study. Did you see what I did there?

Love.

Getting Back on the Horse...And My Life Is Amazing.

“Hey, little bro! Life’s Tough. Get a helmet.” 

These words have been ringing in my head for the past few days. I feel like I should maybe spend some time writing something truly beautiful about the days since Dad passed, my feelings, etc, but I am just going to jump right in because THIS is how I feel. Not like MY life is tough, but like everyone else seems to think that their’s is! GET A HELMET PEOPLE!

I grew up watching Boy Meets World and I miss the days where a cute, family sitcom actually taught lessons about love, real life, sex, drugs, the importance of family, values, and a whole Feeny-load of other things. I love how in this episode, Eric brings out this zinger. Life’s tough. Get a helmet. This message, so many years past middle school woes, still rings clear. Life is tough. Real life, a Christian life, is tough. It’s not “fair” and it’s certainly not easy. The Savior that we follow was a man or sorrows and we are, by definition, imitators of Him, so why do we expect our lives to be easy? Let’s talk. 

We are driven, and often disappointed by, our purpose. Thank you, Mr. Rick Warren. I’m not saying that there is anything wrong with the book, honestly I read it in high school and don’t remember a thing about it. But as Christians, sometimes we become caught up in our purpose. But that’s a good thing, right? Let me say it again. Sometimes we get caught up in our purpose. If I had a dollar for the number of Christian people (including myself, obviously) I hear saying “I want this really holy thing, I am called to this or that (marriage, sanctification in this specific way, the mission field, motherhood, sports ministry, you know what I’m talking about) and God just isn’t opening the doors! I just don’t understand! It’s a very holy thing!” I would be a million-gazillionaire. We are blinded by our own limited understanding of what God’s purpose for us is. Ultimately, He  doesn’t owe us an explanation. He gave you the gift of life, and in the words of Legolas, “You owe him your allegiance.” HIS purpose supersedes your purpose. Trust him and he will direct your life and give you joy. Understand that what you want isn’t necessarily what He has purposed for you. Youth pastors and well meaning older ladies love to tell you that “He has something even better,” but you have to understand that the context is within HIS will. He has something better according to the plans He has for you, but it might not be what you want, or feel called to. Being single and desiring a spouse is no fun. Being married and barren is no fun. Being married to a weak spouse and desiring a holy union is no fun. Losing the love of your life to a crushing disease is no fun. BUT if you are walking in any of these valleys today, let me encourage you: God did not turn his back on you. He is walking with you and whatever happens is a part of your purpose in life. Be encouraging to others, find your sole joy in the Lord, look beyond yourself and your purpose and stop blaming God for not allowing you to live it out. Invest in the purpose that He gives you each day: living for Him and dying to yourself (and your “purpose”).

“Well this one thing is bound to go wrong because, well, it’s my crazy life and everything goes wrong.” This attitude is SUPER popular right now. Everyone has the worst life ever and no one will ever understand because no one else’s life could possibly be as bad. You get lost on your way to a job interview, you burn dinner because the baby is eating a raw chicken out of the trash and pulling out the pots, you are rear ended and get whip lash and a few bruises, your insurance won’t cover the medication you need for your new (and rare) health condition, blame it on your awful life. As I mentioned above, God gave you life, and He gave you a wonderful life. I’m truly sorry and my heart hurts for people who live in poverty, abuse, illnesses and injuries. God loves you and if you have breath in your body, your earthly life is precious to Him. You are fearfully and wonderfully made and He knows the number of your days, even the number of hair’s on your head. We are all sinners and we are living the horrible result of the Fall through the daily toil and heartbreak. But we, as Christ followers, need to stop living as if we have no hope. Your life is not a horrible mess, if you have a friend in Jesus. You have life and you have freedom. You can live every day without a fear of death or condemnation! I feel like everything else shifts into a smaller focus if you think of your life like that. So try to think of your life like that. Instead of “Oh Em Geeeeeee, my life is soooooo hard! No one else has a life like mine! I’m so curssssed!” or “I just feel like DYING” try “Thank you Lord for giving me life and for holding this in your hands, even though I don’t understand.” Once you start shifting the focus off of how your flesh feels to where God is providing and just the fact that He is good, I’ll bet you start to develop patience, joy, peace, self control and gentleness and a heart of gratitude. I learned this the hard way and am still learning this. I have to decide each day that I am going to work to exhibit the fruit of the Spirit in my life and to focus my attention on my Savior and off of myself.

I love “The Sound of Music,” so I’m leading off with some lyrics: “Me, a name, I call myself...” Ahhh, me, me, me, me, me, me, me me me me. I am my very own favorite thing! Let’s just be real. I don’t care if you are a strong Christian, you are selfish sometimes. I have noticed that usually, when people face hard times, they feel entitled to be self focused. If you are facing a loss, financial struggles, a heartbreak, or anything else, and you have thought even one time that you don’t deserve it, your life is worse than anyone else’s or you should not have to go through this, then you are in the wrong headspace to grow. I say this to my sweet husband all the time “You deserve to die and go to hell.” If you have ever sinned, according to the laws of this world, you deserve nothing more than hell, so anything beyond that is just a bonus. Thank God for your life and for your eternity! Moving on! Your life is not worse than anyone else’s. It may be worse than it has ever been before, but, yeah I know this is cliche, someone else is worse off than you. It’s true. And I am not coming from a rosy place in life. My life is hard most days and I struggle with self pity, but I know that it is the ultimate act of selfishness to decide that my life is worse than someone else’s. Instead, try putting others first. Do you think that if Jesus had worried about his own comfort and safety that he would have been able to endure the life that he chose? I don’t. I think that he lived and he died and he rose because he was only concerned for others. Live for someone else and your life, and by extension your problems, begin to fade. And finally, if you are going through something crappy, you should be going through it. It is going to be used to sanctify your heart and help you identify with Christ in a whole new way. Going back to a point I made earlier, Jesus was a man who was humbled, humiliated, hurt, and rejected. He experienced loss and temptation and he was killed. And he chose to experience all of those things to save my sorry, whiny, self focused butt from eternal separation from God. You are privileged to face trials of all kinds because you have a chance to walk closer to Jesus than you possibly could when everything is going swimmingly. 

We live in a place where we feel like we are above tough lives. Parent’s work harder than ever to give their children a better life, a better future and to protect them from the anything not wonderful. Christians are no exception to this movement to solve the “tough life crisis.” No one wants a tough life, so we run trying to avoid it and when our lives begin to shift through the sanctifying hands of our Father, we are confused, angry, and often times, hopeless. Accept this fact: Life is tough. BUT we do have an answer! Get a helmet! Eph. says “Take the helmet of Salvation....” So I close with this final thought. When life is tough, you fasten that helmet on your head. You protect your mind from selfishness and cover your ears with the Salvation of the Lord. He died so that you could be saved and His salvation, that you are already benefitting from is the protection that you need to make it through another day. It’s not a self help book, it’s not some “me time,” it’s not some 3 step program. It’s embracing the salvation that is yours and clinging to the God who gave it to you.  

Love.

End Days Diary ~ Entry #14 No More Goodbyes

My Dad left his broken body and joined his sweet savior in heaven in the early hours Monday morning. 12:56 to be exact. I was sitting with him, everyone else was just going to bed and I came in for my shift. It had been a bad day. Lots of getting sick and changing clothes. When I got home from church, Mom and Gongy had dressed him in a t-shirt that I gave him, one of our business tshirts. He looked so handsome. Emmabeth and I were getting the living room all situated, Mom was asleep on the floor at the foot of Dad's chair and Emmabeth was getting a cushion from the library to put on the floor behind the couch for he bed. She had just settled down and I checked Dad's breathing to see how slow it was. He took a breath and exhaled and I waited. He had been going 60-80 second without breathing for about a week off and on, but when we got to a minute, I got up. I checked his pulse, but I could only feel my own. My heart was pounding. I woke Mom and Emily up. I put my hand in front of his mouth and I felt air against my hand. A moment later, I realized it was only the oxygen pumping through his nose. Two minutes. Emily went to gather the family, Gt, his wife Han and BK, and his girlfriend Gabby and we all waited. I'm not sure what we were waiting for, I knew he was gone. He just wasn't there anymore. He was gone. We all sat quietly, all of us were so thankful for his passing into glory that sadness didn't creep in until much later. My hubs, Gt and Han and I went to the house where the little kids were staying with Gongy, my grandmother, and several aunts and uncles. We woke up the adults first and let them come over. Then we got up the kids and explained to them that Daddy was gone. It  was so hard. Paye was asleep when Gt told him, so when he came to me and heard me talking to the girls he began to cry and asked "Did Daddy die?" The kids asked such sweet questions: "Will Daddy sleep in heaven?" "Is Daddy with Kate?" "Does Daddy eat food in heaven?" "Does Daddy still have a black eye in heaven?" "What did his body look like in heaven?" After a little while, we brought them over to see Dad's body. To know what he looked like when he died. He had died with his mouth open and Mom had closed it while we were across the street and it looked like he was smiling. Heaven is a wonderful place.

The funeral was yesterday. I chose not to go to church this morning because I thought it would be too hard for me to go and sit where we have sat with Dad for 4 years and not see him. But I think it was harder for me to stay home and sit on the couch where I have sat every Sunday for about 4 months with no Dad in his chair. We always talked on those Sunday mornings when it was just the two of us. We talked about important things and we talked about golf. Some of my most precious memories are of my Sunday mornings with Dad. It was on a Sunday morning a few weeks ago that Dad told me I needed to help take care of all of the kids, especially Emmabeth. I told him that I would and that I would take care of Mom. He laughed. "You mother doesn't need taking care of, she will be fine." And you know what? She is. Dad was always right.

I think most people say their final goodbyes at the funeral and I would be lying if I said there wasn't a finality to the casket being carried to the graveside on the hill. But we had already said our goodbyes. And he was gone. So as I write this, I am finished with all goodbyes. He is in heaven and he is whole and well again. And even though I miss him, my dad, my hero, my best friend, I know that I will see him again.

Love.

The Initial Post

For close to 10 years I have thought about blogging, but there were 3 things that kept me from starting up.

1. My pride. Let's just be real, how lame is this? To "blog" about my life as if everyone in the world cares. I used to dream of becoming a writer and this just seemed like the illegitimate child of the writing career I was not destined to have.

2. My insecurities. Now, ladies and gentlemen, if you will look around my big head, you will see to your left, my smallish side. My insecurities. Don't judge, you know you've got them too. Behind all of that vibrato and to do with "my writing career" there is a part of me that KNOWS that you won't like me. Not all of me. Not my writing style, or my topics, or *gasp* my feelings, or my passion. And what if I am just crazy? And I completely and totally fail at writing? I don't want to see my page on a "30 SeCOndS of BlOg fAiLs" video... What if I am deluded into thinking that I can sort of write, but when I put it out here, it turns out that I am really bad. And all of you in the internets will be looking at me and laughing! And it will be high school nightmares all over again! And then I am completely pitiful. And do I really want to go there?

3. This post. It's so daunting to try and think up a blog post for the first time. You know, you really want your first time to be special. And about something that you really care about, and that you understand. And something that you will cherish forever. For example, I was cooking dinner and made up this A-mazing (*DING, there goes my pride again!) sugar free banana cream pie. It was exceptional and all natural. And I was like "If I had a blog, I would totes blog about this. Uh, but I don't have a blog. And that would be stupid. I would be all 'I'm starting a blog for the sole purpose of celebrating this banana pie' and I don't want to be that blogger girl."... ... ...so that was me NOT blogging about the pie...

And now for the conclusion. I figure that if you have stuck with me so far, you deserve to hear how this was all resolved.

1. Pride is not a reason to do or not to do anything. And clearly, because of all of the success of my novels and papers and blah blah blahs (eh NOT!), I have no reason to scorn this blog thing. Also, I read blogs. And I like the bloggers. So maybe the cool kids are doing that these days.

2. Maybe 5 people will see this. Maybe. Come on, linz, get out of your head. The entire world doesn't revolve around you. You see, my writing is mine. I think about what I say and write, most of the time, so when it is mocked or not good enough, then I am not good enough. But really, if all 5 readers hate it, then I will switch it to private and keep a journal that maybe my mischievous children or nieces and nephews will read.

3. I just had to go for it. There's never a good time to start a blog. It's always going to be a project, or a story, or a political stand. So this is my first post.

This is me. I am married, mostly happily :-), with a job in a church office. My hubs and I also own our own business, which is about 1000 hours a week. We met at a ball, he asked me to dance, which fit into the fairy tale thing I have always fantasized and obsessed over. I am a Christ servant, bound to him because he loved me enough to save me. That's my choice and I'm not sorry if that offends you. You don't offend me, so we are cool. You're STILL reading my blog, so you're pretty much my best friend at this point!

I think that's all I have today. Blog post #1, done.