1. Home:
Status: Uncertain
Details: We are moving. We have moved out of our wonderful little #10 and moved everything into our Nashville house, which we are trying to sell ASAP. We don't know where we will be "living" in the meantime. We will sleep at the Nashville house, most likely, but we don't plan on unpacking and "moving in." We like living on the edge. :-P
2. Job:
Status: Uncertain
Details: I have 2 job interviews tomorrow, one is a a childcare place and the other a hotel, but both would take me away from our fencing business. The money would be a big step towards a house though. On the other hand, I am struggling. I feel like committing to a full time career, means I'm giving up on being a full time mom. I know in my head that that is not true, but it sure feels like resignation to my tender and infertile heart. Speaking of which...
3. Baby:
Status: Uncertain
Details: After 5.5 years, some of which was not trying, not preventing, some of which was dedicated and legit, we have decided to take a long break from trying to conceive. I had a false positive last week and it was pretty devastating. In this sort of thing, false hope can be worse than no hope. I firmly believe our family is meant for more than the two of us, but I don't know when or how we will multiply. TTC is all about timing. You become a slave to time. You count the days in your cycle, you calculate for ovulation, you time your sex life, you time drs appointments and procedures, you time moods and meds and symptoms. You wait two weeks then you test. Then you time 3-5 minutes and wait for the second line. Then you test again. Then you start the whole thing over and time again. TTC'ers may be masters of time management, calculators and stopwatches. But we can't own time itself and for us, right now, the timing isn't right.
4... I can't even bullet point this. But here's where my real update is: I have no certainty in this life at all, which is always true, but I'm feeling it very keenly right now, and I tend to be a control freak. I always plan and plan and plan. I have backup plans for the backup plans and everything in my life runs on a very detailed system. I have always believed that if you want something, you fight for it. Impossible odds are never impossible. You hang on to those plans and dreams and you fight with everything you have to make them happen. But right now, with no job, no money, no baby, no plan, I am being taught the very beautiful, but painful lesson of letting go. Not of my dreams, but of my plans for getting there and of the stress of perfection and systems. There just can't be a plan for everything sometimes.
I hold onto my plans so tightly, like a baby holding onto a fistful of sand. I have looked at God with defiance in my eyes and I have said "You can have this plan, but you will have to pry it from my cold, dead, hands."
And He gently took my hand and He pried it open.
There goes the house.
There goes the baby plan.
There goes the stable, unexciting, uneventful life.
There goes all of my security.
All of my plans.
And I looked into my empty hand and I felt so overwhelmed. I felt so alone and so drained and so hopeless and scared. And I avoided everyone and I hid in my work and tried to pick up all of the sand, tried to hold onto just one grain of sand! But I couldn't, and then I saw that it was because He was still holding onto my empty hand. He is holding my hand and He is loving me. And today, when I woke up, I told Chris that I am ready to let go. I know it's cliche to talk about holding your plans lightly in your hand, but sometimes just because a truth is hidden in a cliche, doesn't mean it's not still a truth. And sometimes we don't hold plans lightly, we are asked to lose them entirely. I don't believe that God is asking me to lose my dreams and to walk away from my goals. I don't believe we are being called to live homeless lives, but today I feel very much like I have been in the midst of my life, doing my thing and was just called, very deliberately, to drop my nets, stop everything, and follow Him. Wherever He is leading, with no warning, no certainty.
In the words of Chris' favorite artist, "You take my hand and drag me head first, FEARLESS ." :-) Well I'm not totally fearless, but I am been given a spirit of power, love and a sound mind and I'm working on it.
So that, my dear friends, is my update. Thanks for reading through all of the thoughts and musings, I know that this isn't my best blogging work.
Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers and we will keep you posted.
Love.
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